Yes it is Earthmama
I am so hard on myself about it because I know I play a huge part in it. It's not like people have not tried, or have not reached out. I have two friends right now who have tried hard and they don't really know my story.
I always tell them I am ok.

My T keeps telling me that its not my fault that I don't allow people to love me, its because I am afraid to because of what I have been through. Says we are going to get through this.
I want to believe her, I really do. It's just that I have been like this for so long that it seems impossible to me.

Im really sorry that you struggle with this as well, it can be very frustrating and very lonely.