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Don't read if on shaky ground or easily triggered for harm.
I got back from NYC Thurs. I had a double session on Mon eve. And then a regular session Tues. morning with old old T. He's so good. Intellect and compassion.
But I feel horrible. Can't concentarte.
My friend was busy when I was there last-minute finishing some re-habbing of a house she's renting out starting last Wed. So I was mostly on my own. Not much "fun" had but at least I was out and in new environs. She sees the T, too, so it's interesting sharing notes, though I stopped seeing him 9 years ago when I moved away. So Mon was the first time I'd literally seen him in those years. Talked to him on the phone a couple of times. Will be doing T on the phone with him for the near-term till something else is settled.
He wants me to do day hospital, so I assented and signed a release for my pdoc to talk to him. We'll see how it goes: My temporary T from NYC working with my pdoc of 2 years that I want to dump yesterday working together.
Getting back, though, and the depression and tension are right back at my throat. The pain is more unbearable given that a miracle didn’t happen. I'm angry and hostile. In the wee hours about 24 hours ago I started researching how to buy something I'd need were I to...
I'm so bent out of shape; I've ripped some people's heads off this past 24 hours. I'm starting to have weird fantasies again. I'm still composing notes in my head to leave, or as letters/pleas for help to send to my old old T, her colleagues, APA, or others she consulted; to chastise APA in the name of the failures of the profession---we read about people having issues with their T terminating them here everyday where something is not kosher re: the behavior of the T. Imagine what goes on out there that we don't even know about.
I'm not close to doing “that thing” to myself because of my relationship with and what went on with my old old T. I'm close to doing it anyway, but the only thing stopping me from doing it right now is the hope that I can get some demonstration of caring about me, of acknowledging me as a worthy dignified person, of giving me some respect as a decent person rather than treating me like I was some sort of previously unrecognized serial killer/pedophile/cannibal. It's that hope that keeps me going. If I get some version of what I want, it doesn't mean I'll stick around, but if I don't, it's over. I can't even begin to tell you how horribly I've screwed up my life--and I don't mean just recently, I mean in general but my big fall from grace 10 years ago; the termination was 4 years ago. It’s just the last rung that I’m clinging on to. That’s where the extreme intensity, anxiety, and obsession---the fuel for all of it--with the old old T situation arises from. It’s the last chance; everything else has failed to keep me going. The possibility for getting "happy" closure and peace mind on that is the only thing I’m clinging to right now. It's not "about" old old T or termination, it's just come down to that as the last gasp in a life of more-and-more almost-last gasps.
Does it really have to be like this? Do I really have to do something stupid to get taken seriously and recognized and treated as a human being rather than as just a “client” as in APA’s ethics code (let's discuss that some day and the change in the 2002 version that dropped "abandonment" as a barrier to terminating patients) or my State Board’s rules? (and at that as human, but not, shall we say, around to enjoy it?) 1 person in the world has the power to change the status quo pronto. I’ve been trying to do it on my own for 4 years, I’ve reached out to others for help. I don’t see a happy ending. The entirety of the profession lacks the power to get 1 member of it to do something quite simple that might save my life, that maybe most of them would’ve done to begin with, or sometime since, 4 years ago. Even if it happens, it might all be for naught. But maybe the right butterfly in the right place will flap its right wing in the right way right now. I don't have plans to do anything to harm myself, and I don't have the means to do so right now, either.
I don't know, I might hate myself, or be ashamed, or something for writing this or be afraid that I never come back to read this thread. I do that sometimes when I really regret writing something in an on-line forum. I get overcome by negative emotions and run. Nothing is stable right now. I'm forcing myself to avoid posting in the rest of the forum b/c I don't trust myself right now to be responsible in what I say and I don't want to harm others.
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out of my mind, left behind
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