I live alone with my dad. My mother died when I was a baby. My dad is very protective of me; over-protective in fact. However... he expects a lot from me, both in behaviour and in academic success. He always expects me to get the highest grades... to be the best/ among the best in the class.I took the grammar school exam when I was 11 and failed it ... my dad grounded me for it - the only time I have ever been grounded. I managed the good grade part fine until around my GCSE year(aged 16), when I think the depression started a little then (I'm 20 now). Both in my GCSEs and A-levels I under-performed simply because I hadn't studied (or crammed at the very last minute in the hours before the exams). Despite that though, I still got decent marks and now I'm at a good university (and living away from home).

Anyway... much of the time I fear displeasing him because when he gets angry, he scares me. That means that I often avoid telling him things, both good or bad, until the last minute because I don't want him to get angry with me. Sometimes things that I think will please him, don't, and vice versa. And I even get nervous about something that is undeniably good, in case he *still* takes it the wrong way.

Now, nothing violent happens when he gets angry. The last time he slapped me was when I was about 9 or 10, but I do have to say that it was indisputably hard. It was around the head and when it happened I thought I was going to black out because of it. I don't remember him ever hitting me since then, but I have been afraid that he would do it again and even as late as last year I was afraid he was going to hit me again about something depression-related .

When he is displeased with me, it's not as though it turns into a big slanging match or anything. I can't get into even a minor argument about something totally trivial without starting to cry. I can't prevent it or stop it when it happens. I suppose it's his manner that upsets me. He can talk loudly at me and defeat most arguments I have (since I'm already trying not to cry and to control my voice) ... especially since I know that when he's angry with me, he *always* wins the argument - whether I'm in the wrong or not. I suppose the thing that hurts is that often it is because of a mistake I made that he gets angry at me. For example, if I forget to do something, he assumes that it was because I didn't care enough about it in the first place. Even when I say it was a mistake, he doesn't believe me. And then I leave the room so that I can let myself cry, and until I feel ready to present myself again (I don't take too long in case that makes him angrier) I usually go to my room and basically I act as quiet as possible, as I always have done when this happens, more or less pretending I'm not in the house in another effort not to anger him more. Later, I go back downstairs and act like nothing has happened. I'm just very subdued because that's how I feel, and my dad lets me know that he's still angry with me through a kind of angry silence and minimum talk. The longest time that happened was a week: it was awful . It's usually for the rest of the day and into the next day.

So... I obviously dislike it when that happens and I try to avoid it, usually going about it the wrong way and causing it to happen anyway, lol. It's basically why I find it so difficult to talk to him about ordinary things. Even hearing him arrive home from work makes me anxious and tense, and in the time I'm expecting him to arrive home (usually about an hour before, since he sometimes gets home early) ... it makes me nervous. So talking to him about all the academic stuff at university would be very difficult, because basically I don't know how he would take it. There is a possiblility that he would be supportive and understanding - at least at first, until he starts blaming me for keeping silent - which is true, lol. Or he could be absolutely furious, which is likely, and I really don't know what would happen if that were the case. We don't have that much money and he is financing the accommodation each year (I have to pay for the living costs) so he would probably see the difficulties I am having with my work as a sign of idleness, lack of appreciation and total ingratitude. It could go from him saddling me with the full payment of university costs (luckily we don't have to pay tuition fees) to kicking me out of the house, possibly even disowning me. I think it could be possible that he would do that, if he thought I had disgraced him enough. Certainly kicking me out of the house is a possibility. When my mother married him, she brought along a child from a previous marriage, and when I was born, my dad kicked my sister(aged about 12) out of the house to live with my grandma because he didn't like her very much. I'm not really enjoying saying all this bad stuff but I think I should say it. I'm not sure if it's too detailed either.

I can't get any help from my other relatives either. All I am in contact with is my aunt, uncle and cousin, and they would only be willing to help me to a limited extent. Nor can I ask them for advice: they don't know anything about education. I'm the first in my family to go to university and they're all proud of me for it (and don't understand depression either).

So that is my situation, and why I am reluctant to do so many things to self-help. Even him finding out that I've been going to the dr/ gone to the psychiatrist, and (in the future) started anti-depressants could be disastrous. He could see it as a major deception by me (is it?) . I'm afraid of contacting university administration in case they write home... I'm afraid of a lot of things, lol.

I'm really sorry this is so long. I did mean it to be fairly short.But I'm thinking it might make me feel a little better to be able to express all this into writing for others to read and understand.