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Well, been reading a lot of posts and many times I've read the importance of forgiving and moving on.

As a child I was severly neglected (according to my T. )and emotionally abused. Still having a hard time realizing that it was abuse towards me though-- batteling the thought that I must have done something to have a mother treat her child the way she did. I've tried so hard at putting all that way behind me, as I know I'm raising two teen boys that have respect and much love in their hearts - so I made a conscious effort not to continue the cycle.

The thing is... my mom is still similar towards me. As she is aging I'm the only offspring that lives near-- I'm the youngest-- everyone else has moved hundereds of miles away , so I feel obligated to take care of her needs. It's just so damn hard to deal with the relationship- I find I don't have forgiveness, as she is still hurting me. The way she is hurting is a bit different than when I was a child of course- but still the feelings are so raw. I can't move on and forgive her!!! This makes me feel like I must have a " cold heart ". Then my internal dialogue starts in-- telling me what an awful person I am- how I don't deserve anything good- it asks what is wrong with me that I can't forgive her.
Is it too much to ask, if someone is still being hurt??-- or perhaps I have a cold heart??

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When it comes to a parent abusing a child, I do not think the child owes the parent any forgiveness. The parent doesn't deserve forgiveness.

However, if for a person to heal requires that he or she forgive someone else, then yes, forgiveness is a must. That hurting person deserves to get better.

I do not need to forgive my parents for their wrongdoings to me for me to heal. I think for me, I need to forgive myself and recognize I am worthy of love, respect, and tenderness. I am more willing to forgive a stranger than a parent who hurt me as a child.

I believe forgiveness is an innate quality that some people have and others have to learn. I believe anyone can learn to forgive if they choose to and their heart is ready. Whether you choose to forgive now or let more time pass before you forgive, you only forgive when you are ready.

By all means . . . forgiveness should never mean forget. Your past makes you who you are today. Same goes for the perpetrator of abuse. Someone who has a capacity to hurt children may have the capacity to repeat the crime. I could never trust anyone who hurts a child. Ever.

Do you have a cold heart? No. If you did you wouldn't be concerned about how well you treat your kids. I'd say you have a sensitive, tender heart. If you were cold, then it wouldn't hurt when you mother is cruel to you now. If you were cold, you wouldn't be trying to help your mother.

There's no way I'd tolerate any more cruelty from my parents. For me to feel safe, I have to keep out of their lives.

I wouldn't consider you having a cold heart either if you stopped helping your mother. By all means, your kids come first.

I hope you forgive yourself. ((((Huggs)))))