im 33, and i live in cornwall in the uk. ive never taken laxatives or anything, ive just solely restricted my diet, or as some people would say ive solely starved myself. ive done that since i was in my teens, but it got worse when i had my first child. the main crux of why i do it, is because i had a violent father, a strict upbringing, and he mentally abused the family not just physically; and then added on top of that are things that crushed my self esteem and confidence even more. at first, i suppose it started out as a way of controlling something about my life, and to grab someones, anyones attention that i do actually exist and im hurting, dya know what i mean? but then it grew out of control, and because ive done it so long, thinking in the end im normal and what im doing to myself is ok, i have trouble with actually choosing something to eat, letting myself eat. anything to do with food i cant make a decision for myself about anymore, because its made me that indecisive about food, that it is actually easier to not eat at all.

in one respect im f**ked up, in another, i think im not doing too badly coz i am managing to eat at least two small meals a day with a couple of snacks inbetween, but while im doing it, my brain is going awol, making me feel guilty, telling myself off inside for eating, and it is a constant battle everyday. i try not to beat myself up about not sticking to that task of eating if i dont manage it somedays, but i cant help feeling like shite if i dont eat, and sometimes i wont eat for 3 or 4 days at all because it starts the ball rolling again not to eat coz then my ana is winning and i cant let her.its a constant fight with ana constantly, wether i eat or dont eat and i am sort of sick of it, because i am a strong person with or without ana and i really want to kick her in to touch and just be normal like other people.

my dr had to weigh me, and he told me my bmi was 14, and i couldnt ignore that in the end. if i wanted to, i know i could just give in to ana completely and not carry on, but i really want to see my grandchildren if my kids have any,lol, and i want to be around to see my kids are all ok until they dont need me anymore and its time to go without any help from ana or anyone else the thing i didnt know is that i have an heredetery kidney condition, and it came out in me while i was pregnant with my second child. i lived in hospital, and that wasnt anything to do with ana, because i do not know wether the maternal instinct in me makes me eat when im pregnant and my weight is always healthy and very good while pregnant. it is after the babies i starve again, because of my father drumming it into me that i will explode into a fat ugly person when ive had kids. my auntie is 28stone, and from being little my dad used to say i look like her, im just like her, and when i get older i will be as fat as her, especially if i have children, i will explode into an obese ugly fat cow like her. i had to eat meals on my own segragated from the rest of the family, and my dad would hit me if i looked at him while i ate. i would like to add that she isnt ugly, she has a pretty face, but she is very heavy and has issues of her own she deals with regarding her eating, but my dad succeeded in making me neurotic and have a dysmorphic view on how i perceive my body to be. if i carry on how i have with food, or get worse with food, there is a very true and real danger with me that i will die due to renal failure, because of my kidneys, the odds are stacked against me doubley. that is why i have to beat this, because my youngest child is 2, and i want to be there for him.