I have had a hard time posting, feeling very triggered by many threads and unable to think of a thread either. I am sorry I have not been responsive.

This matches my feelings about therapy this week and last. Although T and I came to an understanding and talked through the most recent rupture over the holidays I am having a hard time shaking some things that were said by him in session. I have been very depressed and working through suicidal ideation. I am at a point where I am afraid to discuss this with him now. I am afraid he will think that I am just looking for attention. I am working very hard to combat this depression. I have increased my anti depressants and attended a women's group meeting today.

When I got to therapy on Thursday I felt glad to be there, but I just don't feel as close to T as I did. I am worried and don't know how to revive this relationship. Because part of our rupture surrounded phone calls, I am now afraid to call him even though we talked through the "rules" ad nauseum. A part of me feels like he has changed a bit but a part of me feels I have changed. I don't feel like my work is through by any stretch of the imagination but I feel sort of blah. Maybe it's emotional blunting from the anti depressants? Maybe it's depression? I don't know, I just don't know. I feel as though I am going through the motions. It all feels like a big silence in my head. One day I feel like I just won't ever say anything again.