((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Miss)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It is so scary to be in those times with T when the connection feels different...and it's so hard to unravel the "why" of it. Is it him? Is it me? Is it us? For me, it feels scary, like the connection might never come back in the same way. If it's any solace, it seems for me that when we reach that point, there is something we really need to work through, but we haven't figured out what it is yet....and once we finally explore enough and figure it out, the connection comes back, but deeper. Maybe this is one of those times for you.

There are also times when I just have to let something go....just drop it and move on. This is how we've moved through a time or two when he has hurt my feelings. Once he apologizes and we talk about it ad nauseam, the only thing to do is to move ahead.

I don't know if either of the above scenarios has any bearing on where you are at, but I know that sometimes when I hear other people's experiences, a (dim) lightbulb sometimes comes on in my own head and I start finding my way out of the darkness....

It sounds like you are working really hard. I really don't know anything about depression, because it's not one of my (many!) issues, but from the little bit I do know about it, I do wonder how much that is playing into how you are feeling. Do you think pdoc could help?? (assuming you have a pdoc...)

I SO know where you are on the phone call thing. That is a really touchy issue for me too, I can hardly bear to talk about it with T in therapy because it is so triggering for me....and it does make it hard to know when to call for help and when to just trudge through on my own. The most important thing though, Miss C, is that you are safe...and if you need a phone call to make sure you stay safe, then I hope you will call. What is important is how you are doing RIGHT NOW and how safe you are RIGHT NOW - not what was said in therapy a couple of days ago, or what might come up next week. Please be safe. Lots of people love you, including me

Keep posting if you can. Sometimes just getting things out, even if it doesn't make a ton of sense at first, can help. I know it helps me.

Thinking of you and sending many, many