i have become really dejected about this.

without going into too much detail, there was a period of abuse during my childhood, and then i was sexually assaulted at 21. i was in a relationship with a beautiful girl for 4ish years, but she left me when i started being more comfortable in the relationship to say 'no' to things like sex. up until i found my voice, sex and intimacy (e.g. just kissing) were things i did while kind of holding myself apart. dissociating, i guess you would call it.

anyway, it's been a few years since we broke up and i haven't gone beyond a 'first date' with anyone. not that anyone is really interested in me, but on the few occassions a guy has asked me out and i've been interested enough to accept, things just go pear shaped. i get flashbacks or dissociate or just panick if they want to do anything beyond just hold my hand. obviously not the kind of impression i want to be giving anyone, and sharing about my difficult history on a first date is no fun either.

so i'm kind of at this place where i dont think a healthy relationship is ever going to happen for me. anyone who would want to stick around, i would view as suspicious. there is nothing attractive about me flipping out because a guy initiated something natural and loving, so why would someone want to stick around after that? also, if i really liked the guy, then i would want to protect him - he would deserve better than me and my stupid issues.

just wondering if anyone has any advice . i am in therapy, and in an ideal world, i would want to 'heal' completely before finding someone to share myself with. but i dont think things happen that way - it's the things other people do that trigger me, that throw me into a head spin. so i feel doomed to make a lot of mistakes in any possible relationship with anyone, and i want to save those other potential people the pain of being with a nutter like me .

i worry sometimes that i am going to end up alone, and if that is the case, then what is the point in trying. i wish i was normal, i wish i was normal, i wish i was normal.

thanks for reading .