Uh oh, what is Tgr up to now?

Well, this is a topic that is personal to me. I've debated for some time about bringing it up. I guess I'm pretty sensitive about it. This is not a side of myself I'm as easily open about, and I think you might agree, I'm an open person about my thoughts, much of my life and my illness. Allow me to state up front that I no longer self-medicate with recreational drugs, at all! I'm a former cocaine abuser, my drug of choice for many years...is there any other that so adeptly mimics bp? I think not! I smoked much more than my fair share of marijuana and I took a lot of pills of all types. I loved taking drugs and quite frankly, I miss it. But it got me into a lot of trouble including being arrested twice, spending a short time in jail...one of the worst experiences of my life I might add. I did the majority of my drug abuse alone in my home. I was not a party animal, I was and still am very much a homebody and an introvert. Yes, I am quite capable of being an extrovert, however, it is more my nature to introvert and isolate. I've been clean for 3 years now.

Okay, so that's some basic info in a nut shell...the gory details of my drug abuse are not necessary for the intent of this post. I just wanted to make a point that I'm very familiar with drug abuse, I'm very familiar with the effects of drugs and I'm very familiar with the emotional, physical, psychological, legal and personal relationship issues of my drug abuse. I had wasted away to just about nothing physically, my mental clarity was shot and I became emotionally stunted. I was as sick as my secrets.

By nature of the bp illness, I am a person of extremes. I am a binger. Everything has pretty much been all or nothing. The polarities remarkably exaturated. My drug use in many ways counteracted much of the extremes. But by the same token, made me far worse because I would be all over the place on every level and would have to take more drugs to counteract the counteraction. I'm not sure that statement made as much sense as I would like it to, but hopefully you get the general idea. It is for this reason I'm such a stickler about taking bp meds, it's that all or nothing thing. I mean, I take some Seroquel and the very act of putting a pill in my mouth makes me want to pop some Lortabs or Vicodin or Valium...it all depends on my mood. The good thing though is that I have absolutely no desire to do coc anymore. The experience ultimately became so bad I was turned off to it and quit on my own without help of any kind except that I picked up pills in its place, lol. Duh! Hello?

I do not attend NA meetings, that scene is not for me. I won't go into specifics about that because the ppl who do get a lot out of it may be offended. It's an excellent way of life, just not for me. I do receive drug counseling, one on one. Do I think I'm a drug addict? No. I think I'm a self-medicater. Yes, I abused drugs, but once I got my life and illness on track I no longer felt I "had" to take any of them. My health is much, much better. My mind is far more agile. I'm much more emotionally mature and emotionally available. My psychological disposition, in my opinion, is above average...maybe more. lol.

My intentions here are to open up the floor for anyone to share about this. I believe that we are only as sick as our secrets, you all know a lot about me, this is an important part of what has made me the person I am today. A vital ingredient as it was a huge part of my life, my illness and what I've been able to make of myself now.

If ppl would rather PM about this subject, I understand. It was very hard for me to do this. But it IS a very important subject because the majority of ppl who have bp abuse drugs more so than any other illness.

TgrsPurr, xo