Hi Clinicallyclueless,

its amazing how a poem or a drawing will speack the truth , and your poem has touched the truthes I have come to know that surround an ED . Many are very common in other substance abuse disorders .

from your poem.

You got that in this group Clueless.

something thats comming back to me after reading a few posts here and responding to Junerains image post as it relates to the harsh demanding rejecting messages that run though our minds before after or durring the struggle with food is

that we take on the persona of the abuser .To make this simpler we take on others opinions of us and how that just doesn't sit quite right for them.

It starts with having parents that are just not supportive or absent in what ever way, depression , over working , focusing on a husband or wife who has some other mental emotion difficulty . The mother who passed on her mothers negative comments on to us . The self loathig was inserted by others . It was not our doing .

In short there was just no one in our corner when we needed it. To aknowledge our uniqueness our separateness and help us embrace the self that is soley ours not to be a clone of the parent and not to be a clone of anyone else. Instead we got a plethra of mixed messages and negative projections from others and we took them on because we were searching to find ourselves, what we found was some cruel rejecting mioors , too many and not enough loving ones. And no one to defect those maybe more to encourage the negative ones of others. How cruel , how sad.

so food becomes the processor the comforter of these "others" becuse we don't have a good friend. Its our way of trying to control the implanted messages we are so freely given . People say they "know us " so easily . They do not. It is our job now to find that positive part that was not mirrored back or was mirrored back in a distorted way. . And each of us has to find our own way around food based on how our bodies and brains are wired . Thats my opinion.

It has been my tendencey to gravitate toward those who are rejecting , or thier bar for how I should act or think inorder to be accepted by them is very very high. It just fits the messages we have been given . that no matter who we are no matter what we do no matter how thin, beautiful, smart, We will just not get the love from "THEM" the nurturance. they give to others but withold from us.

I have to take resposibility for the people I choose to have in my life that nurture this "Im not good enough"

Its unfortunate because of what I have already done to myself and my struggles I still believe Im not good enough so I isolate myself from others . maybe because im still finding the wrong friends.

I guess this is enough for now.

Patricia