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Originally Posted by littlemisszombie
or as some people would say ive solely starved myself. ive done that since i was in my teens, but it got worse when i had my first child.
the main crux of why i do it, is because i had a violent father, a strict upbringing, and he mentally abused the family not just physically; and then added on top of that are things that crushed my self esteem and confidence even more.
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this hurts to read Little Misszombie. Im sorry this happened to you.
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at first, i suppose it started out as a way of controlling something about my life, and to grab someones, anyones attention that i do actually exist and im hurting, dya know what i mean? but then it grew out of control, and because ive done it so long, thinking in the end im normal and what im doing to myself is ok,
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I belive this was my progression. I was never trying to get attention though .I was hooked form day one and wanted to guard my method yet I was cought up in the hades of it . I was too entrenched to know what I was doing anymore . I remember after being kicked out of the house having this resignation it was going to always be this way until the day I wanted a better life.
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i have trouble with actually choosing something to eat, letting myself eat. anything to do with food i cant make a decision for myself about anymore, because its made me that indecisive about food, that it is actually easier to not eat at all.
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yep indesisiveness. I think it centers around not wanting to make a mistake for me.
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i think im not doing too badly coz i am managing to eat at least two small meals a day with a couple of snacks inbetween, but while im doing it, my brain is going awol, making me feel guilty, telling myself off inside for eating, and it is a constant battle everyday. i try not to beat myself up about not sticking to that task of eating
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i starve again, because of my father drumming it into me that i will explode into a fat ugly person when ive had kids. my auntie is 28stone, and from being little my dad used to say i look like her, im just like her, and when i get older i will be as fat as her, especially if i have children, i will explode into an obese ugly fat cow like her.
my dad would hit me if i looked at him while i ate.
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Littlemiss,
I put these somewhat copy pasted posts of yours side by side so you can see what I see and you probably already know.
This voice your struggle wth the food is his voice not yours.
I'm so sorry Little Miss....
for you what happened to you... I don't like your dad much..
Im glad you shared this with us..
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i had to eat meals on my own segragated from the rest of the family,
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if you were crying while typing this I would not be surprise Little Miss.
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i would like to add that she isnt ugly, she has a pretty face, but she is very heavy and has issues of her own she deals with regarding her eating, but my dad succeeded in making me neurotic and have a dysmorphic view on how i perceive my body to be. if i carry on how i have with food, or get worse with food, there is a very true and real danger with me that i will die due to renal failure, because of my kidneys, the odds are stacked against me doubley. that is why i have to beat this, because my youngest child is 2, and i want to be there for him.
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I get momentairly wired when I hear any man make a comment about how a woman looks . Many need to be put in thier place.
When I was in the first year of my eating disorder I brought a blue eyed sibearia husky puppie home I had bought with my own money. I was between 16 and 17. My father called me stupid and dumb and lots of other things and then hit me.
It was a final straw . I grabbed one of his prescription drugs and took them . He tried to wake me in the morning and could not . After I got back form the hospital I suffered more physical abuse from my father . was kicked repeatedy in the base of my spine / hinney. I was scared of the male therapist I was required to see back then so after visit #two I said I didn't want to go. My father said you don't need to go your all right. not long after I turned 18 I got kicked out of the house with not a visit except for when someone stole my bycycle which was my transport because my parents wouldn't help me get a drivers licence. He managed to stop by and say he was sorry.
I'm a slow learner Little miss.
I don't ask the key questions till years later . like oh ..no wonder i got kicked out and wasn't given help. It was to cover his AZZ.
you are asking yours , Little Miss,
you WILL beat this .
Oh and by the way.
My mother used to call me a zombie.
zommbie, scatterbrain, primadonna, space caddet,selfish, ragmuffin.
there were others . I just don't remember . maybe thats good.
I muse at how she came up with the word "Primadonna"
having only had a sixth grade education. Good for her ..
Patricia