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edgar, is there anyone IRL you can trust enough to call on for some physical help for a short time? therapist? relative? friend? crisis-line or any kind of help agency?
this would be scary to ask for help, but it may be what you need to do to get yourself to the hospital. sometimes we just have to do some stuff to get us through. do you have any alts who come through in a pinch?
someone has to be "admitting" you to the hospital. it sounds like you need to contact them soon and let them know how bad it is getting. since it is you going to ask for help, talk to your head and ask that part that is screaming at people to hold back and stop getting in the way of help.
it will not always be this way, this bad. tell yourself what you need to do to survive and do it edgar. this is the best i know to tell you and it is what i would do. i do not have many people who help me but sometimes you just have to let people help when you've done your best to be sure they are ok, not abusers.
i am really sorry it has gotten this tough on you. i will pray for you.
leslie and her pixies
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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