it was my idea?

my memories of what happened are dream-like. but i have one very distinct memory where i asked dad to kiss me like adults do. he said only adults do that but i told him i wouldn't tell mum. i knew if we did it that he would love me more, so i kept demanding it until he did it. it wasn't traumatic, just gross. i dont think we did it again.

i am not angry or upset about it, it was my idea, after all. i was in control the whole time, so it was ok. i feel guilty about making dad do that, though. i was such a demanding little ****.

but i think - the other stuff (that i'm not even sure really happened) - maybe i encouraged that too? or maybe, it didn't happen at all, because who would want to kiss her father if they did something that was horrible?