Hi everyone - thought I'd update all of you on my life thus far.

Have taken approx. 5 tests, all but one scored a 100%, the other was a 98.5. Put in 54 hours last week, haven't done that in 6 months or so. I feel like a hamster on a wheel - I just keep moving and going nowhere.

Every day I fight with the urge not to see the next day - it is a very hard, draining battle. My son calls me constantly because of what he tolerates at home, my husband calls me to make sure that I am "behaving"......[loosing my choke collar].

Work is hectic, and exhausting for someone who was in the hospital only 7 weeks ago. I have to go to the hospital tomorrow for those tests.......actually today, only at 1pm. Then I have to find time to talk to my surgeon about the results. Wed. is T day.

We have been sending emails back and forth. I sent him one that thanked him for communicating with me, but that I was fine and not to worry............he actually believed me and wanted to know what had changed with me. I told him that I was being sarcastic when I wrote that esp since everyone wants to see me that way, so I obliged. Then I sent him a copy of my poem in CC, and he realized that hey, Mary Alice is NOT okay after all.

We talked on the phone briefly and I am supposed to call him on the way to my appt. I have so much anger in me at so many people, mostly him though. I am taking his replies to me as being sent by "Dr. -------" instead of the person that used to show such concern and sensitivity to my moods, the person that used to know before I had worked it out in my own mind, what was going on.

Then of course, there's the husband who constantly drains me emotionally and physically. If it weren't for my son, I wouldn't go home at all. And I will be home till Thurs. morning, but I know my time will be spent being a referee between them and listening to my husband's whining.

The only thing going well is work, and to be honest, it only matters to me how I score on the tests. I like the work - I know what I am doing, but I don't care.

I realized that until I can find a reason to keep existing - nothing really will matter. I'm playing the efficient me and it is draining because I can't be myself and express my moods.

Inside of me is simply darkness - no light, no hope, no caring. Simply the knowledge that I must perform, I must do my job, I must pay the bills. But there is no "me" in here. That scares me when I think about it. I wonder where I've gone and if I'll ever come back. Then I think, "who cares anyway?" Life goes on..............

I can feel the top of the bottle boiling because everything has been stuffed inside with no way for anything to escape. At some point in time, it will explode........like it did on the 11th.

I'm tired of playing the game - I want the hand over with.