I love this place. It is awesome to be able to write down your thoughts and have people respond and listen to what you have to say. A lot of the time people are eager to answer your questions and put thought into their responses. My question or topic today is...have you ever felt that you are afraid of not reaching your potential and that no one is there to support or guide you??...you feel no one believes in you. Many times I've wanted so much...and realised....wow maybe I'm not good enough and my goals are set too high. Maybe I will never accomplish my dreams.

At the age of 18...I first started dreaming. I never knew what I wanted in life and I guess I felt that it would just hit me. Unfortunately...I found out the hard way, that this would not happen.

I looked up to a certain teacher in highschool and had a huge crush on him...unfortunately...he crushed my heart...I thought he thought I was special...I wrote him an email because I was having troubles at home. I felt really depressed...and I thought maybe he could be there for me. I told him I felt like I hadn't accomplished anything...and that I had a lot of confusing feelings. He took me to his classroom one day and sat me down. He told me at first..."I don't know you that well, Nicole." This really hurt me because i thought he cared. He asked if I had family problems and I just went blank. I knew that I hurt but i wouldn't go so far as to say I had family problems...although I was used to my family dysfuntion and didn't think twice about it. To be honest...I had a lot of confusing feelings...all i could think about was him and I felt like I was in love with my teacher. I was really freaked out by my emotions...I think I felt safe for once when i was near him...which is why I gravatated towards him...I know it sounds weird...but when i am upset I still think about him and it makes me feel safe again

When i was in his biology class...he would allow me to come in and ask questions...I could come in his room at lunch and work on homework...in grade 12 I would go to the library at lunch and work...I would often feel depressed and the librarian would ask if there was something wrong...I would always say "I'm fine" I always knew that I would get the grades I wanted...and I did...it was just that I had to work really hard at it and concentrate. I had difficulties concentrating at home...I didn't have many friends and I would often get left out of things. I had troubles talking with guys and I felt like i had nothing to offer.

In grade 12, I finally won an award. I received a scholarship from my school and they announced that i wanted to go into education. My teacher was there taking pictures of all the students who won awards. that was the last I saw of him.

It wasn't until I tried online dating that I met the man who I am still in love with. For the first time...a guy actually insisted that he wanted to date me. At first I was really shy and couldn't even look at him. He would phone and I would text him back instead because I feared being rejected...I hated talking on the phone. Finally he said "isn't it better if we talk on the phone?" I said I guess. From then on we talked on the phone...he asked me on a date. I was really tired that day and told him maybe we should cancel. He said he really wanted to see me...no one has ever said they really want to see me. I met up with him. He gave me flowers....no one has given me flowers just because...from then on...I was in love...he would call me for no reason and ask how I was ...we would talk for hours.

I am still working on schooling...I want to be a teacher librarian.

I never thought I could aquire anything like this...and I guess when you put limits on yourself...you will never accomplish anything...

To be honest...I needed to write this to get if off my mind...I'm not looking for comments...I jsut feel like this is my online journal...and these feelings always come back to me