I'm looking for more feedback on this issue, and I also think that I'm not the only one who does it, so I thought I would post it here even though I have some possible answers already. Thanks to those who gave me feedback in chat, and also thanks in advance to those who respond here.

I have this tendency to tell people that I'm bad (or something along that line), and I want them to reassure me that I'm not bad, and then I respond to that with, essentially, "thanks, but I really am bad afterall." T says she doesn't get it, and is asking me why I do that. There is more to the problem too - why I am capable of doing some things well, in some settings, but when it comes to other situations I feel like I'm totally incompetent and give up without really trying, and think that I can't do anything right. I'm trying to make sense of the split, as well as answer why I do that. Have any of you noticed that I do that? Keep in mind that if you tell me that I'm not bad, it's going to just wash right over, so I guess there isn't much point in that.

I'll go ahead and share some of the ideas that I have come up with or have been given so far: <ul type="square">[*]this is something that goes along with low self-esteem[*]borderline personality disorder (I have not been given that dx, but I feel that I meet the criteria)[*]i'm caught in a loop (and it has become habit)[*]I just need to disagree[*]maybe if the other person takes the role of claiming that I am good, that frees me up to stick to the "I'm bad" role[*]trauma model - why would someone who loves me hurt me? It's easier to conclude that I was bad, and therefore to blame, since it isn't safe to blame a caretaker (needed them to be safe), and if it's my fault, I might feel like I have more control[*]fear of rejection - if I reduce their expectations, it reduces the chance that people will expect more than I can provide[*]if I reject myself first, it isn't as important if other people reject me[*]I feel like I deserve to be punished or abused[/list]The other thing that I have come up with, that feels the closest to me (although all of these may have merit), is that I feel like I am bad, and that anyone close to me would know that I am bad, so I can't believe them when they say that I'm not. I assume that they are just saying what they know I want them to say. I feel like anything good that I do is all part of a facade, not the real me. And I want to be real with people, so I feel compelled to let them in on the 'real me.'

I still don't know what payoff there is in either that split, or insisting that I'm bad. If you have any thoughts, I would love to hear them.

Rap