deliquesce - I think I will focus on maintaining a strong, healthy friendship with her, afterall, I believe a strong friendship is crucial for a relationship to be successful, right? I hope we do have a relationship one day, even if we find out we wont work, right now I feel I would be happy with her, minus my issues. I enjoy her company, and am attracted to her, so it's frustrating to feel like it is out of reach.

Seeker - I can't say I regret telling her, I am a really strong believer in having no regrets, maybe that will change as I get older, but I don't believe in regrets...the way I see it is that we make desicions based on feelings and/or information at the time of the even, and we act upon these...therefor, we shouldn't regret. If we had feelings against doing something, or we were told not to do so and we knew not to do it but still did it anyway, then maybe, just maybe, that might be a cause for regret, but even that to me isn't worth regretting because we do things for reasons, whatever they may be. Besides, I'd rather wish I HADN'T done something than wish I HAD...if that makes sense. I agree with what you say about your experiences with relationships and the subsequent expectations. I was abused by a male, therefor to me, anything related to intimacy is directly linked with men and males...even though I know I am not gay and am not attracted to males, it still has that assosciation to me...that is something hard to overcome. Please don't feel you have rambled, because you really haven't. Your support is hugely appreciated and I am grateful for it, as I am with everyone's support, equally.

Perna - You are right, it does take time for sure...time and experience. I think because this topic is generally a taboo subject, it can be hard for people to be able to open up and share their concerns. I never had the "birds and the bees" talk from either of my parents...was never told about relationships, sex etc, and didnt really have any substantial sex education in school, so most of what I know is going by things I have picked up, and that has mostly been bad, negative experiences. It's about learning all over again, wiping the slate clean, starting again...I do think it will take time for sure. I have faith that I will get there, I definately feel things are changing for me, becoming clearer, and I am confident saying that too...(considering today I have felt really negative, that must be a good sign to be confident...

Michah - It is comforting for me to know there are people out there who have had the same, or similar experiences I have. Does your partner still have the low confidence with that, if you don't mind me asking? Also, can I ask, do you think that you slept with many people as a result of the abuse? Please feel free to not answer if you don't want to. I think the reason she bolted like she did is because like I said before, she has many of her own issues, such as self esteem, confidence, childhood problems (not abuse though, thankfully, that I know of) so I believe it was too heavy a load for her to bear when she was unable to support it. I think she trues really hard to make ammends for bolting, we are still close and I am sure she still feels for me the way she used to...she acts the same anyway...maybe the fact she has seen someone else was just her way of disassosciating with it all...a way of coping...maybe she will realise I haven't gone anywhere and that I am working hard to overcome all the issues so we can be together. That is what I want, afterall, and I am sure it is what she wants too.

Madisgram - I think I do have a fair bit of self esteem - is the result of years of therapy I guess...it forces you to step back and take a good look at yourself often, don't you think? Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate knowing you and others care for me and are concerned in my progress...it really does mean a lot to me.

As I said above, I do feel like I am slowly changing and adapting the idea of being in a relationship...I am finding more lately that I am enthusiastic about it, how long that will last I don't know, but as it stands, it seems to be improving. My father and I are currently looking into moving abroad, I know moving would do me good, a lot of good. I want to see the world, travel, live new experiences. The result of being cooped up by yourself for so long is that you develop a bubble around yourself that you dont want to break free from, is almost like being in prison. I feel moving away wouldn't solve my problems, I don't want them to, but I want to learn to fly a bit, as a figure of speech...so, as a result of toying with the idea of moving away, maybe now would be a wrong time to be thinking of relationships anyway.

Simon