i'm off to the races it seems... damn it. i got triggered in session with T today... toward the end, and when it happens i start to lose bits of what he is saying... i get more confused... typically by the time i get home i am dripping in anxiety.. ready to panic.

and so... here i am... full blown panic.. i can barely think enough to type.

i can't settle it down. Tomorrow i have to be at the court house... starting divorce proceedings.. that's bad enough, you know? That is enough to freak me out... and now... now i am just unable to calm down.

i try to cap the anxiety... i do try... breathing, journal, my lists of things to calm me... but it can happen so fast and once it hits.. i'm screwed... can't do anything once it hits a certain point... and guess which point i am at?

i've got multiple health problems... it isn't just a matter of straightening out my thinking, some of it is just not in my hands

i hate my life sometimes