I have family therapy with my daughter. It's so hard. Way harder than individual has been for me. Way harder than couples therapy. Maybe I'm exaggerating. But it feels reaaally hard right now.

We had a session with our family therapist today. He tries hard. I think he heard a little more from my daughter tonight than usual but he had to work really hard to get there. I think he is beginning to understand more of the dynamics and more about her. I'm not sure his suggestions are going to help us. Today in therapy he said to my daughter, "you're talking about your mother, she's sitting right next to you." I'm not sure why he said that. Maybe he wanted her to address her comments directly to me? Maybe he thought she shouldn't say what she said in my presence? I don't understand anything.

We are in therapy so that we can have a better relationship. I am feeling like therapy is so hard, I'm not sure there is any use or any progress. I also feel like if I give up on therapy, I am giving up on the relationship. This is my last attempt to try to make this relationship work. It's like a final stand, a last ditch effort. This experience is different from couples therapy in a really deadening way. Really depressing. I try to fake it and keep going. Every day, not just in therapy. I just feel so tired. It's so hard too when the other person is your child. You can't just walk away.

I really wish I could talk about this with my own therapist.

I have this book on boundaries that I think is really good. I wish I had read it decades ago. It has a section on parent-child boundaries, and I eagerly read that chapter, hoping to find some insight or wisdom. But it turned out to be all about boundaries the child should have that the parent should respect. There are no boundaries the other way. Why not? The child can just ride roughshod over the parent? I don't get that. Shouldn't there be some element of reciprocity in the relationship? Why don't they have to respect your boundaries?

I don't have these problems in the relationship with my other daughter so it's not that I'm profoundly incapable of this type of relationship.

This is just way too hard for me. And therapy makes me think about it even more, and that makes me depressed. What does "giving up" on a child even look like? I don't know how to do that either. I don't want to do that, but I'm really, really tired.