I'll try to explain what is going on, although I don't know if I can make it make sense, and I'm not even sure why I'm so angry, but with all of the wise minds on this board, maybe someone else can make sense of it

SO. Teacher T told T how deep I get in meditation - I know she is very...impressed?? (not sure if that is the right word) - but I have been meditating for years, so I've had a lot of practice. Plus, I'm so dissociative, I'm not sure I'm not just sitting there dissocating half of the time. Anyhow, she said this "energy" comes up and she wants to work with it and with me (which is what I thought the point was).

The discussion turned to our roles - T, Teacher T and Me. Teacher T and T decided that Teacher T and I have been on a "slippery slope" where she is actually providing some therapy to me. I guess the reasons I am angry are:
1. When we started this endeavor, I worked really REALLY hard to figure out everyone's roles. This was a huge, enormous deal to me. I was so scared of crossing a boundary or something. Many e-mails were exchanged about it between me and Teacher T and she finally told me "I am letting you off the hook. You don't have to worry about this. I can keep track of the roles, and I will make sure that what I am providing is not therapy". She encouraged me to e-mail whenever I want - I mean REALLY encouraged it - and was super helpful for a while. In the past month or so, she has basically stopped communicating with me outside of class, and I thought it was because I did something wrong and I've really been worrying and suffering - and it turns out that she decided without telling me that she had the "roles" confused and was changing her approach. I AM SO MAD, because this is what I was afraid would happen - i would open up and trust and the rug would get pulled out from under me, which is why I wanted the roles so well defined in the first place. I told this to T and he said "See, you were the wise one in this whole thing". Well F*** that! I don't want to be RIGHT. I want to be SAFE and HEARD and NOT ABANDONED.
2. Teacher T changed her "role" without telling me. I know we will talk about it now, but it's just one of those crappy therapy fears coming true: "If I trust you, you will abandon me". I can't BELIEVE it. Seriously.
3. I don't know how to move forward.
4. ?????????????????????????????

There's more, I think, but my kids need me. I doubt this makes any sense. I have an appointment with T tomorrow, and I don't know WHO I am mad at. I am so mad though. What do I DO with this anger??????????????

I hate this. I'm sure I'll be back on later to rant about this some more. I am just so mad.