((((((( Claire ))))))))) (I'm calling you by your names you leave b/c I think that's ok ..if it's not lemme know.)

thanx for responding ..and for offering support. I don't know how i am not si'ing myself ..seriously... I did immediately last night in my mind see myself actually doing it, but in a out of control way, which I've stated before I'm normally much more controlled when si'ing.

but i did hold off...and I do think i can, but b/c I won't eat anything at all. *shrugs*.

(((((( sweet crusader ))))))))
Ty to for your concern and for wishing that for me..i appreciate that.

(((( yes )))))... you do ..and that makes me feel close to you, but I do want good things for you of course...I would like you to be really happy and well.

Ty ..I'm really glad you didn't either...you definately should feel special..I'm very proud of you.

As far as things turning better today...well that's a mixed bag ... this morning was so bad ..it was ridiculous, BUT ... it was so bad ..and I took something to calm down .. i can sorta laugh now.

AND VERY IMPORTANTLY ... it was very important for me to get home and stay put...b/c for some reason i seemed to be an accident waiting to happen..no joke then.

My mind was so off.

I had to drive to the city for my pdoc appt. I parked... Get out of my car ... go to put money in the meter... go to put my keys in the car ... AND wouldn't you know it... where are my keys?????????

OH MY GAWD ... I just did this 2 weeks ago when I took my son to the doctors. ... I left them in the car ... With the car running.

I stood there..in a panic ..almost cried, which would have made me PISSED.

I contemplated breaking my own window.

I called my sister... I'm like omg please don't kill me... b/c ppl I am not even close to home..and she's at work. Thankfully ..she was ok and not busy ...she came ..got there in an hour.

My b/f called on my cell ..and sorta calmed me down.

I go into my appt in the meantime.... The office billing takes me in though and is telling me that my insurance is not paying...accept for only 1 appt. They paid for therapy, but not psychiatric... I was shaking so bad.

I wanted to leave..get home NOW.

So my pdoc takes me...she's like please just don't worry now.

She changed my meds around in agreemend with my therapist that I'm in a manic phase ... Oh and btw ... yes I've been diagnosed as BPD ... but now they are saying I'm bipolar as well.

IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE????

Well ok i leave there ... Going home ..almost get in an accident ... Now pull in my driveway .. lol now I even have to kinda begin to laugh in this story ...cuz I almost leave my car in drive... ( i did at least have the emergency break on).

I know that today earlier I'm talking...asking for example questions to my b/f ...he's answering ..and I'm like HUH ...he's like you just asked me ..such and such ..and I don't remember asking the question.

I'm getting more and more frustrated with myself.

Well I took something to calm down and I think it's much safer on society that I stay put ...I'm sure you'd agree.

Well I just really needed to vent and get that out.

Thanks for listening to me and I hope whoever is listening to all of this ... is having a much better day then I am.