One of the things about my PTSD (well, if that's what's causing it) is the idea that ppl will hate me if they know me, that is, if they really know me. Lots of people like me on the surface; they would be my friends if I let them through the barrier, but when they make complimentary remarks or act in friendly way, my mind is racing with "Right - if you only knew!).

Even here, in this supportive environment, I know that ppl are supportive till they learn a little more, then they back away. I don't know, maybe they have same problem I do, but a lot of people here have helped me a lot. After a little while, it's pretty much like real life - they pull away. Maybe I wear them out. Maybe it's my reluctance to get professional therapy. Whatever it is, I can see it coming, and then as expected ... they are gone.

They are still in PC, still commenting for others, supporting a lot of people. These are good people I'm talking about here. I don't mean to be critical of them at all. The final result, though, is that they've focused their attention on other things and I get that feeling. It isn't their fault. They need to keep supporting new people. They helped me a lot. But do you see what I mean? The subconscious or even my conscious thoughts are "They do hate me."

And I can understand their hatred. They've been wounded themselves. They've tried to help me, and I've resisted going for that next step with the professionals, so ...

Anyway, I'm worried that some of those who really have helped me will read this and think that I'm critical of them. It's just the opposite. I'm critical of myself, or critical of the symptom that I'm blaming on PTSD - that of thinking everyone will hate me.

So ... the secrets will continue ... and in the mean time, can I ask you,
"Please don't hate me." Pull away if you want. Refuse to reply to my PMs. all of that is understandable - "Please do not hate me."

T.