Yes, and it has helped fuel my (and other family members') sympathy and understanding for years. But now I feel I've become much less able to tolerate the situation, which never improves no matter how much sympathy we have, love we offer, caring we show, and no matter what strategies we try (and we've tried quite a few). Maybe I'm being selfish, but I am needing our relationship to benefit me more instead of it being all for my daughter's benefit. I need boundaries and respect and I need a home that is free of her negativity and abuse, or at least has significantly reduced levels. Even if her underlying issues are not resolved in the near future, I need her behavior to improve for my own sake.

There is always the temptation to withdraw, but I have tried hard to hang in there with her and not let her push me away, at least for long. I think the similarities draw me closer, give me greater sympathy for her and make me want to work even harder to improve things. But we (the family) have tried "withdrawal" and "distancing" at times too. You know--give her more space, don't reward her behavior with attention, ignore her hostility, etc. in the hope that with lack of reinforcement, those things would extinguish. But this also did not work. I will try anything the family therapist suggests because I am out of ideas. As a starter, he has told me I must not ignore my daughter's hostility and aggression. He wants me to try to have meaningful conversation with her about them. Based on past experience, I have low hope for this plan. She will probably just say, "I don't care, leave me alone," but I'll try. He does support my idea that I deserve respectful treatment. He also told me that I am made up of many parts and that I need to have more confidence in the part of me that is a good mother.

One thing that gives me hope is that sometimes I go into my daughter's bedroom after she has fallen asleep to tuck her in, kiss her goodnight, etc. She often talks in her sleep. She is a totally different person in her sleep! She's really nice and not hostile or angry at all. One time she even said to me, while in this state, "Mommy, I love you," and gave me a hug. So does that mean that her anger/hostility during waking hours is all an act--a conscious masking of who she is? Is the "mommy, I love you" girl the true self of her unconscious world? Moments like that help keep me going.