Panic, panic, panic!!! I'm completely losing my rag right now, snapping at everyone, on the verge of tears and if my lecturer for music listening skills asks if I've done the essay I'll break down, because I just can't do it!! She's not even f*cking explained and everything's getting on top of me!! i thought I was head of the work, but no.. If anything, I'm behind, i've done everything in the wrong order, I've got s**t all research and i'm failing at everything absolutely everything. Connor's having a go about me leaving it until the last minute. I wasn't even given a month to do these damned essays and now they're all due in on the same week! What the ***** am I supposed to do?!?!

I feel really, really sick, I'm gonna cry I feel tired, frustrated, dirty, fat. What the hell is wrong with me? Everything's going wrong and nothing is going to get better unless I get some help with this f*cking workload and yet no-one will help me *cries* I can't do it all by myself, I struggle as it is and now I have to up my grades on yet another essay that I only got a pass on, I have to get at least a Merit. i just want to quite this course completely and just get a f*cking job. Nothing's working out for me at the moment and my depressions hitting an all time low again and I feel so stuck and so alone in all this. Everyone else is on top of their work.. i can't do it at home, yet I barely get the time to do it when I'm at college because i have to write songs, have to learn songs, print lyrics, write out music to songs.. And it's all too much.

All i can do now is panic. I can't get any help from the lecturer for listeningskills because she's s**t and won't help me at all she'll just say "well just write about John cage's 4"33'" and I'll just break down and scream and say "I KNOW I HAVE TO DO THAT, BUT TELL ME HOW THE ***** TO DO IT!!!!!"

I just don't know how much more i can take.. I'm leaving my arranging music lesson 40 minutes early, so I can go home and have a bath and feel clean at the very least.. then I'm going to try and get on a bloody computer to try and get the f*cking work done. But then Tash'll come up to me, complaining, saying "i didn't get to go to f*cking prince's Trust because of you, because you wouldn't give me £4.00 to get the bus there and back. You f*cking ******" *sigh* what the ***** am i supposed to do?! Maybe she should've saved her own money!! i don't owe her any money, so i shouldn't be paying for her to go to Prince's Trust! But then i feel guilty because I'm stopping her from going by not giving her the money, meaning I'm stopping her from getting to know the people and do some activities, meaning I'm stopping her from getting EMA and getting a qualification out of it.. They get EMA for HAVING FUN. WTF???!! And all us college people who have s**tloads of work to be in by the week after next and are panicking about it, get to watch them doing basically ***** all, getting a qualification for it AND getting money, PLUS us who work on top of college, have to pay taxes and all that s**t to pay for their EMA for doing Jack s**t!!! It's so f*cking unjust!!

And yeah, I'm panicking and I feel sick and I'm gonna throw up if I'm not careful.. I'm so weak I think I'm gonna collapse.. If one more person says something to me about "have you done your essay, have you done your research, have you done this, have you done that"? I will scream my head off. Someone will seriously get a punch I don't hit people, but if Tash tries to have a go at me for not giving her money, i won't be able to hold back.

I need to go