I am having a problem trying to understand what a relationship is. When I think about the way I define a relationship, my first gut level reaction would be to say that I don't have any relationships, except with my husband. I would not count my interactions with my neighbors, coworkers, or other acquaintances as relationships. In fact, I've been with my t for 10 years and i still don't feel like we have a relationship. It feels like something I want badly but cannot attain. The same is true in everyday life. I interact with others at work, in the congregation, etc., but they don't feel like relationships. I guess that because my relationships are not the way i think a relationship should be, then I don't count them as relationships.

For me to think of something as a relationship, there has to be a real sense of connection on both sides. I would have to feel comfortable to be myself and not afraid of being rejected or abandoned. To have a relationship with somebody means that I really like that person, and vice versa. Thinking about them would make me smile and bring a warm good feeling in my heart. I would want that person in my life. Having a relationship with a person would have the capacity to bring me more joy than my interactions with other people, but would also have the capacity to bring more pain, because there would be an attachment. In a relationship, the people would not feel like they had to pretend to be something they were not. They would truly like the other person for who they are inside. If I had a relationship with a person, I would grieve and miss them terribly if they died or the relationship ended.

I guess this is why I don't feel that I have any relationships. Although I very much want to be able to feel genuine closeness and warmth with others, I am too emotionally guarded to let them close to my heart. I am afraid to reveal my deeper thoughts and feelings or inner self to others. I feel so vulnerable if I do, like a turtle without a shell who could be so easily crushed. When people hug me in daily life, I think it is nice, but I have a sort of numbness. It's like the good emotional warmth being offered cannot penetrate into my heart because there is some shield up. in. Even when people say care about me, I can't feel it inside. Since I cannot feel that sense of warmth and connection, it feels like it is simply no there.

At times when I am able to feel a sense of connection with others (like brief times with my t), although it feels wonderful for a few seconds or minutes, a sense of numbness or fear sets in shortly afterward, and I lose the feeling. Without being able to sustain that good warm feeling with my t or with others, it doesn't feel like a relationship. Deep inside, I know I want and need connection with others. But on some subconscious level, I am terrified of allowing a bond to form with anyone. I feel like I am a prisoner and am holding myself captive. I am trying to protect myself from hurt because I've been hurt in relationships so many times in the past. Now I do not know if it is even *possible* to have a relationship with somebody again. So like I said, I've been in therapy 10 years but still feel like I am "trying" to have a relationship with my therapist. The reason I say this is because on some level, a part of me is still fearful of her, fearful of rejection or abandonment, fearful of letting myself trust or feel close.

My husband says that what I want in a relationship is unattainable. He says I want something deep and lasting, and that other people are not like me. He says relationships should be fun and light, that people just want to have fun and not get into any deep discussions or share on an intimate level. He says that people could look a lifetime trying to find a relationship like this and never find it.

Other people define a "relationship" as just two people who know each other in a superficial way, including neighbors, workmates, and acquaintances, even people with whom they regularly conduct business.

Is my definition of relationship wrong? Can somebody help me understand this?