IDK... I see the comments about her being angry, upset, unhappy, volatile, hostile, wanting attention --whether (+ or -),etc. It sounds a lot like what goes on in my head when I interact with family even now in my adult form. The only difference is my life experiences have taught me...that acting on some of these emotions has consequences. In my son, one thing that is so apparent is his inability to think beyond the present moment. I don't think the things you've shared here are necessarily indications that your daughter is suffering from some pathology. Nor do I think her behavior is because YOU or your H or your family situation is to blame. I think your daughter is just at the age where she is trying out/ exploring how life really works.

• Showing love and empathy don't seem to help.
• Withdrawing and ignoring don't seem to extinguish the behavior.
• Having individual and family therapy doesn't seem to yield at least external results.
• Everything YOU are doing to attempt to address the perceived problem isn't working.

Maybe the lack of progress is because... it's your daughter's journey. This is sooooo difficult to accept and navigate as a parent. (((sunrise))) I don't think even a perfect parent can deal with it and not feel fatigued and battered at the end of the day.

Galileo said,"You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself." Sunrise maybe all you can do is do your best to hold up your end of the relationship. Demonstrate the empathy, concern, love, respect, etc that you know is needed to maintain healthy relationships. I think although maybe your mother didn't model it, you realize that the relationship between a mother and her daughter is REALLY lopsided during this phase. But if you hang in there and trust our instincts, God/Spirit/Cosmos whatever you want to call it gives mothers what we need to meet the daily challenges and keep our eyes focused on our hope for a future dividend. I think your heart is in the right place, I think you are using the skills you've acquired over the years, and clearly you have the perserverence that only love can provide. You are going to eventually find success.

Maybe she just needs to learn for herself that some of the choices she makes have unpleasent consequences. Maybe your job at this point is to, as kindly and lovingly as possible, help her identify the cause and effect relationship between her actions and events. Say... acting self-centered and uncaring toward a friend... and finding herself isolated and alone when she needs a friend. Or telling your mom to *&^# off when she asks you to pick up your dirty clothes.... and having to endure going to school in a wrinkled/dirty shirt because the clean and pressed ones stopped magically appearing in the closet.