I've been married for over 20 years and have a couple of children with this marriage, but I've been in love with someone else for more than 30 years. No matter which way I turn, and through ups and downs in my marriage, which I must say is actually a good marriage, I think of this other girl (Woman). I will call this other woman Cameron for this post. My wife knows that I still have feelings for Cameron, and has worried in the past that I think of her too much. My "relationship" with Cameron started when we were young, about 11 years old and went on until we were in our late teens (17 and 18), and was kept secret from everyone, especially my best friend...her brother. Obviously, we do see each other now and then because of the fact that she's my best friends sister, but only as "friends". The trouble in my heart and in my head is that Cameron seems to act as if it never happened, and says that she always thought of me as a brother. This confuses me do to the fact that sex was involved at times when we were together. I was like a member of her family, though, as we lived across the street from each other, and her parents took me on trips with the family as if I was their son. Family and friends know that I have feelings to this day for Cameron, but not of what went on. I had talked to her mother and my best friend (her brother) about my feelings for Cameron. Her mother said the "brother thing", so I am pretty sure that Cameron didn't speak of anything about the two of us to her mother. The times when I had talked to my best friend...he would just change the subject. ) It wasn't all a secret, though, on one occasion, we were making out at a party in front of our friends, my best friend included, so there was a little suspicion that something was going on between Cameron and myself. So, part of my dilema is that I feel like I am living two lives, one with my wife, and one waiting for Cameron to open her arms to me and bring me home. (Cameron lives 30 miles away in my hometown, I've been away from home for 20 years). The other part of this situation is the sex part. I worry that maybe some of the "innocent touching" may have been "inappropriate touching", and that is why Cameron sort of refuses to acknowledge our past together. Currently, I am writing her a letter to try and figure this out, because sometimes, with the way that she has reacted to all of this, I feel that maybe I hurt her in some way. I am not a monster like that, and it has always angered me with men who violate females. I just want to be sure that I haven't been a monster for her to fear. But with asking her about this, I fear what her response might be. I don't think that I could live with myself if I were her "monster". It frightens and saddens me just thinking about it. She had told me the last time we talked, that one of our mutual friends had in the past, tried to rape her. Would someone talk about that to someone if they feared the same thing about that person? I don't think that I could ever stop loving her. So, what should I do? Forget about her? Write to her? Wait for her?