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JudeeB · Jan 23, 2009, 12:39 PM

Zen,
I spent decades living in that sad and lonely place. My heart hurts for you being there right now.

Remember being that sad and lonely even when I was with people. I didn't feel like anyone really knew me, or understood me, I thought I was the only one who felt that way. I believed everyone else had wonderful lives and families that loved them. It was in support groups and 12 step rooms where I discovered that many people experience the same thing. We are pretty good at hiding our real selves.

I had been deeply wounded as a child and I couldn't show the pain, I didn't know what to with it, so I stuffed it deep inside. That pain, those wounds colored everything in my life. I saw the world through that pain and those wounds. I couldn't receive love even when it was there for me. I expected to not be loved, to be judged and to be hurt so that's what I saw even if it really wasn't there at all.

I was basing every decision, every attitude, every action on my perceptions of the world and they were wrong. Not everyone was my mom or dad. Not everyone was out to get something. Not everyone would judge me harshly. But I believed that with all my heart.

After many years I had to start looking at what I was thinking. I had to write down those thoughts and really question their truth. For me, it was God who showed me the truth with the help of a wonderful therapist. Yet, even then, these were my core beliefs and it was so hard to let go of them. I'm still working through that process.

I thought I was emotionally crippled for life. The real sickness lay in my thoughts and beliefs not my emotions.

I shared all that to say this. What you feel and believe and think can change. How you see yourself can change. I doesn't have to always be this way. There are ways out of this sad and lonely place.

It is a journey and the folks here are willing to support you as you take steps through.
You are not alone. We do understand.
Judy