I just had my first session after a 3 month break while my T was away. It was pretty underwhelming.

Earlier in the week, I had been looking forward to it, but when the day came, I absolutely did not want to go. I get this feeling a lot though, so I am used to it and I went.

Once I got there, I did not want to talk to her about anything. I would answer her questions about factual things, but any time she asked a single question about how I felt about something, I wouldn't respond. Then I would just change the subject by making an unrelated statement (ex. So, I got a new insurance card.). She tried to connect again at the end, telling me something about how I was the easiest client to reconnect with since we had kept contact during the break, but I was not willing (and that seemed just totally untrue considering how unconnected I felt then). I have never acted so bratty in a session before.

As I thought about it later, I realized I felt angry at her. The problem is, I had no idea why since she hasn't done anything wrong. The best that I can understand it is, when I got there, she looked great, so rested and put together. And over the break, I had emailed with her a fair amount about things I felt vulnerable about. And so then, to have to see her in person, knowing she knew all these things that I felt so not put together about, and then the contrast with how she seemed, I think I was just angry at that disparity. Angry that she knew, since I didn't feel safe with her knowing, since I didn't feel like she could possibly understand, since I felt like she was in such a different place.

Ugh. Breaks are hard. Maybe too much time to let the mind come up with doubts. I notice a lot of therapy relationship angst threads at the moment. I wonder if we're all trying to re-find our footing after the holiday breaks...

Anyway, I emailed afterwards and told her. She responded quickly (she's so good about that) and was accepting of that. Said of course I didn't want to tell her anything vulnerable after she'd left for 3 months. She said she'd think more about why I felt like that.

In some ways, it's nice to just feel mad and drop the relationship and not have to think about it anymore. Easier than the alternative, always needing more. But not better ultimately, not growth-promoting. So I will probably email again and tell her what I wrote above, try to explain how my little mind concocted that anger out of nothing. Because the more I tell her, the more she has to work with in helping me understand myself, and isn't that the whole point anyway.

Meh. (My new favorite word for describing therapy).