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Here is a better explaination of what I am trying to say...This is the letter that I wrote to Cameron, that I haven't sent to her.
Hello again…Well, I suppose you’re wondering why I am writing to you nearly two years after we had talked that one night? We are not getting any younger and I need to know some things before it is too late. I have started writing to you a few times before, as a letter, as a story, and in the form of a poem. The only clear way to do this is to just write it to you, I guess. I am not writing to you to try and change your mind on things, or the paths that we had chosen in or lives. I just need some clarification of these feelings that I have for you. The past is more than just my imagination…Right? I know that I may have been a little mushy, stupid, or maybe even a little bit of an *** at times when writing to you in the past. Sorry if any of those letters frightened or angered you…I want to avoid any of that this time around.
Anyway, on that night we had talked, I feel that I didn’t express myself all too well, being kind of drunk and all. I remember some things from that night, especially that I was very anxious and nervous, wanting to talk to about everything all at once, and getting off track in the meantime. In fact, I am a little “jittery” right now while I am writing this to you. There are so many thoughts and feelings that are bouncing around in my head I don’t know where to begin. I have to say that I was really surprised and pleased to see you that night…but now, I have another image of you stuck in my head. These “images” are something that I had wanted to talk to you more about, you in my mind and heart, without getting too goofy, or scaring you out of your wits. Did I make any sense that night?
Have I taken you the wrong way all of these years? Of course, there are, and have been other “people” in my life, and in yours as well, but you stick with me more than anyone else. You were not my first love, as my sister insists, just the most enduring that I can’t (or don’t want to?) let go of in my heart. Anyway, how did you get to be inside of me as much as you are to this very day? I do recall from that last time that I saw you, you had said that “it” could never be, and I was too much like a brother to you. Well, the second part of that sentence doesn’t make sense to me because of things in “our” past that had happened between the two of us. Have you always just thought of me as a brother figure? Am I that “oogly” that you are embarrassed to say that there may have been something between us? There was something, and I know that this isn’t all just in my mind. I am not telling you this to try and change your mind on things, but to maybe make some kind of closer in my life regarding you and the past. Most of the stuff I would rather talk to you about in person, because some things that had happened, would be better off unwritten, I think. Could we innocently meet up someday as friends and talk about stuff?
What had happened in the past? What had happened that I could say in a letter? A few things might seem meaningless or trivial, but they add up to what has made you such a lasting presence in my life. There was some wrestling that we did that I remember, and times sleeping over at my house, and vise-versa. We had talked on the phone together while listening to the complete, two album, all four sides, of Pink Floyd’s the Wall. Remember when we almost actually “went together”, but Sarah put the kybosh on that? I know that I had talked to you about this that one night, but I don’t remember your response to the situation. Remember when we were at that party at my sister's house? I know that I wasn’t “making out” with a cardboard cutout of you. (More to this story) Remember going on a “double-date” with Kelly and Sarah to see the movie “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”? There was a couple times when you were sunbathing in your driveway and the times that we went camping. (More to these stories as well) Remember running into each other at that bar that one night, and you had asked me to come home with you at the end of the night…due to my drunkenness or something else? Guess where my head is on that one? Am I making more of this than what it is? These are some of the things that I wish to talk to you about, good or bad, but I need to know what had happened?
If you have chosen not to remember some of these things due to me doing something wrong, or hurting you, I also need to know this as well. If I had mistakenly done something like that to hurt you, I am very, very sorry…I never did anything to purposely hurt you. This is that part that scares me about what had happened in the past. Not to say this in a bad way, but I didn’t want to be like a brother to you, as if you don’t already know. But on the other hand, I sure didn’t want to be some kind of monster, either, for you to be forever fearful of me. I am not like that, never was, and I don’t want to be thought of in that way, especially in your eyes. This must really bother me in my subconscious because of some of the dreams that I have had leaves me wondering if in fact I did hurt you. In some of those dreams, that your dad is in as well, your dad seems to be mad at me about something, giving me the “evil-eye”, and looking at me in disgust. Have I done that in real life? Am I guilty of hurting you?
People know that I still have feelings for you. My wife is, I think, fearful of my feelings for you. I remember talking to your mom at least once about you, but the two of us were drinking and I don’t remember too much from the conversation. I have talked to your brother a few times about you, although not surprisingly, he tends to change the subject. I think that we would have remained best friends even if there had been more between you and me. My relationship with him means as much to me as that of my wife, and with you as well, but still, I wonder what it could have been like. Should I be thinking like this? This is a bit too much to carry around inside of my head, so part of me just wants it to be over…part of me. Part of me just wants to go back in time to about 1982 and start all over again. Maybe, I think, this is where some of my feelings have their roots inside of me…What if? What if you and I did take a path in life together? Am I crazy for thinking like this about you? Has the thought ever crossed your mind? I hope that I am not creeping you out with this stuff that I am writing, that is definitely not my intention. I just can’t help thinking that there is something within you, some kind of connection, that helped to make me feel the way that I do about you.
“Still Loving You” by the Scorpions, is playing on the radio, one of many songs that I hear that induces the thought of you. “Without You”, by Motley Crue, gives me goose bumps when I hear it. I can’t escape the thought of you, no matter where I turn. Many things remind me of you, so I can hardly go a day, or night, without a thought of you. How sad is that? I see a blonde girl wearing pink, I think of you. Well really, just seeing a blonde girl. (When I say girl, I mean woman, just thought that I should add that) Strangely, when I see Cameron Diaz, I think of you. Most nights, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I begin thinking of you…and then of course, all of the dreams that I have of you over and over again. Are you like a drug that I am addicted to? Are you a poison that plagues me? I’m trying to tell you this without sounding too stupid, or for you to be thinking that I am some kind of “nut job”. And, here I would like to add without scaring you, it’s not all a sexual thing, either. Of course, I have always found you attractive, and I find other woman attractive…but damn, it’s you that I can’t shake from my mind!
I know that all of this isn’t fair to my wife, either, to seemingly only have half of my heart and mind. Heck, we’ve been together for over 20 years now, but I’ve been thinking about you much of the time! The two of you are separate thoughts, though, and different loves and polar opposites in my heart and mind. The only times the thoughts of the two of you have come together were in a few of my dreams. Unfortunately, the dreams are when I tell my wife that I am leaving her for you. Disturbing? I know that this isn’t just a mid life crisis that I am going through because 30 plus years is too long for that. And, it doesn’t matter if I am going through good times or bad times in my marriage, either. There really haven’t been any bad times I have to say, some trying times, though. That night at the bowling alley was an example of what happens when I can’t make up my mind what path I want to take in my life. At that time, I truly was considering moving in with your brother, and part of me wanted you to know that…just in case. This, in fact, could be one of those times, but today is just like any other day, not happy, not sad…just thinking about you. I do seriously want to know why I feel the way I do about you. This makes me feel like I have been two different people living in two different lives for all of these years, and one of these lives is with you.
I hope that you’re not thinking, “Oh no, here we go again”. And of course, I hope that I am not upsetting you or scaring you with this letter. There have been times that I thought I have come to my senses and was done with all of this, but as always, you pop back into my thoughts. I just think that there has to be a way to finally end this, or begin this, with you. “Is there really no chance to start once again? I’m still loving you”. Can you help me with this? I am reaching out to you to help unscramble my mind. To hold you or to let you go…one way or the other, we need to confront this situation. Either way, I am afraid of the outcome because I know that I will end up losing. Please find a way to contact me, or just write to me...I would still like to see you and talk to you face to face, though, if you would be okay with that. I promise that I won’t get all stupid on you, other than what I just wrote to you.
A Poem
How do I tell you what you mean to me?
How do I tell you without any pain?
I have to get this off of my chest,
Everything to lose, it’s driving me insane.
My heart is at ease with two loves,
My head is full of confusion.
It seems as if I am living two lives,
Trying to figure out which one is an illusion.
In one life, I am in love with this one,
Another life, I am in love with the other.
I know that one may just be a dream,
The true life I wish to uncover.
Both loves I truly value,
My heart is sure of this fact.
Which one will be with me in the end?
Which one will forever last?
Is there a way to make a choice?
Is there a choice to make?
Eventually I will have to decide,
Wondering which path to take.
These two women I see as opposites,
Both have something that I need.
Either one would provide a favorable life,
Which one is right for me?
As troubling as this may be,
There is only one path that I can travel.
Anyway that I look at it,
My life will come unraveled.
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