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Originally Posted by Sannah
So you are afraid that who you are isn't right or good enough?
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Yeah, that is probably the bottom line.
I think maybe I hide her behind the mask of the unflappable, superficial, or indifferent so she is protected from harm. If someone rejects, appears disgusted or appalled by me then I can tell myself... it doesn't matter because they don't really know ME, they are not REALLY rejecting ME.
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sittingatwatersedge said: the thing is, being the person I know myself to be is **** depressing.
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The weird thing to me is.... On the surface I judge her as being weird, a freak, too emotional, unlikeable, and weak. I assume others will judge her this way too..or in my case worse. But when I am still, and I really look at her...I LIKE HER and think my friends would really like her.
Unfortunately...I think a lot of my negative perceptions come from my H. And I think that is because he just either cannot really related to her or her presence just makes him feel worse about his situation or behavior...I really don't know. She seem to hurt him for some reason. When I have share little glimpses of her to him...he seems negatively affected, which then makes me wish I hadn't gone there.
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It doesn't get better when T tells me she doesn't see that person, that I am really the person I say I would like to be.
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My T doesn't tell me that I am who I want to be...probably because I've never shared with her...who I REALLY want to be
. But she does say things like:
"Your friends sound really great, you must be doing something right." or
"Wow, I wonder if your friends saw this picture, would they know that it was you?" or
"If you really are what you think you are, why do you think you have the friends you do?"
My response..."Hmmm, maybe they aren't as intelligent as I think they are.
How does my T still manage to deal with me? I don't know somehow I was programmed to think that I am a bad egg, and I just can't seem to deeply accept any other conclusion.