Chaotic,

I understand what you're talking about. Feeling like you want to be yourself, but lose sight of who you are at times. Or, knowing how you feel, but allowing fear of rejection, anxiety, or other people's expectations to cause you to speak/behave differently from the way you really feel. Especially if you've grown up learning to be what others want you to be! It can happen so automatically. . .conforming to others' expectations. . .that it can sometimes be hard to even "catch yourself" doing it! It takes practice to stay attuned to one's thoughts and, before answering, ask yourself, "How do I really feel about this?" And then having the courage to follow through authentically.

My personality is rather fragmented, which can make it hard for me to know my authentic self. Is it the apparently normal, in control persona that runs my daily life? Or is it the wounded, hurt little girl part of me that holds tremendous insecurity and fear, and who I hide at all costs from others finding out about? Is it both. . .but they are at opposite ends of the spectrum. . .and I have not found a way to integrate them? Perhaps if I integrated my different self states, then "that" would be my authentic self. I just don't know.

I find that my feelings and opinions can vary greatly, depending upon what mode I am in. At the time, it feels truly authentic. But then I swing back from secure adult to insecure child, and then that also feels authentic. So it can be confusing for me and make me appear wishy washy to others. I really want to be more united.

Still . . .not everything about me flip flops and is in a constant state of flux. I do have some firm opinions, religious beliefs, and personal values that maintain pretty well in tact. And there are some things that i truly love to my soul, such as poetry and music. I believe these things extend to all parts of me and must be part of my authentic self.

Can you pinpoint how and when you are likely to reject your authentic thoughts and feelings? At times you've done this, what goes through your head? Do you "catch yourself" doing it, or only realize afterward that you held back your true self? What feels worse, to hide your authentic self and feel isolated and not truly known. . .or to express yourself authentically and take the risk of other people rejecting or not understanding?

No pressure to answer all these questions. Just so much food for thought. Excellent subject!