Quote:
Originally Posted by chaotic13
Yeah, that is probably the bottom line.
I think maybe I hide her behind the mask of the unflappable, superficial, or indifferent so she is protected from harm. If someone rejects, appears disgusted or appalled by me then I can tell myself... it doesn't matter because they don't really know ME, they are not REALLY rejecting ME.
The weird thing to me is.... On the surface I judge her as being weird, a freak, too emotional, unlikeable, and weak. I assume others will judge her this way too..or in my case worse. But when I am still, and I really look at her...I LIKE HER and think my friends would really like her.
Unfortunately...I think a lot of my negative perceptions come from my H. And I think that is because he just either cannot really related to her or her presence just makes him feel worse about his situation or behavior...I really don't know. She seem to hurt him for some reason. When I have share little glimpses of her to him...he seems negatively affected, which then makes me wish I hadn't gone there.
My T doesn't tell me that I am who I want to be...probably because I've never shared with her...who I REALLY want to be  . But she does say things like: "Your friends sound really great, you must be doing something right." or "Wow, I wonder if your friends saw this picture, would they know that it was you?" or "If you really are what you think you are, why do you think you have the friends you do?"
  My response..."Hmmm, maybe they aren't as intelligent as I think they are. 
How does my T still manage to deal with me? I don't know somehow I was programmed to think that I am a bad egg, and I just can't seem to deeply accept any other conclusion. |
Hehehe... I had to laugh.
I come from a physically and emotionally abusive family background, and what you describe about not knowing how to act and having to look for clues from others, as well as feeling programmed to consider yourself a bad egg, is VERY common from people who come from some sort of abusive background.
I don't know why I don't buy into the "I'm a bad egg" theory, but I think it has to do with being damned if I do and damned if I don't. Frankly, I don't give a rats arse anymore. I'm not really sure why I know that to be the truth, that they were the ones with insane demands and ridiculous behaviors, and not me... but I was able to extricate myself from the situation and have had limited contact for quite some time. I'm also "In Therapy" and I think that's helped cement a lot of my internal dialog. I think staying away from negative influences/people has helped me too.
I like me. I don't need approval from "them" anymore. Maybe that's a simplistic explanation, but there it is. I don't fit into anyone's mold but my own.