MJ..... you know on an intellectual level I can understand that I do not deserve to feel guilty about my illness. On an emotional level I often feel that the things that have happened to me are to punish me for the mistakes I have made in my life. Then, the more I think about it the more I realize that my ex girl friend told her friends about my infideilties so that they would publicly scorn me, which they have. And that what done to punish me, which it has. It is just the icing on the cake for me. And even though it may very well be "the depression" talking the reality of it is that this "depression" has created so much of a mess of my life it is hardly a life any longer.