Ah, yes. This was me for months and months and months and months in therapy....I think I'm just getting over it, actually. I was POSITIVE that as I told T more of my story, he would realize how messed up and horrible I *really* am, and he would refer me. I felt between a rock and a hard place - the whole point of going there was to talk, but talking was going to lead to rejection (I thought)

I have probably talked to T about this more than anything else- the fear of being referred, the fear of being "too much", etc....and he has proven, over time, that what he says is true - I really CAN go in there and tell him anything, express any feeling, show him any part of myself, and he will accept and love me just how I am.

I needed the reassurance from him that he was going to see this through with me, but time is really the thing that has made those scary feelings go away.

I guess my advice would be to talk to T about this, as much as you need to. And don't run away. The urge to run was so strong sometimes that I never thought I'd make it past it, but amazingly, just showing up and talking about it, over and over again, made the urge go away.

It still might come back...the fear and the desire to run away to protect myself....but it seems like it comes back less and less often now, and lasts for a shorter time.

Keep talking.....it sounds like you are doing a great job...