Tomorrow is my evaluation. Refer to the ada post in depression. I meet with them tomorrow at 1:00. So my plan is not a healthy one. I am aware of this and yet I need to feel that there is a way through this. Some way for me to have some control. So I have pictured what I am to wear and where we will meet and how I will sit so my opportunity to do what I wish to myself is there. I will pre-medicate. Lots. I know it's old stuff but if I can have a poker face and stay calm I will feel less vulnerable. T doesn't like my idea. Well, I don't either but.... She thinks it would be good for me to set a positive tone to the meeting by making a statement about our shared goals. I feel angry and disappointed and I am not sure what I will say so quiet might be best. I know that I need to innitiate meeting in a conference room where there is a table and space. I have no choice but to get through and do well. I can handle it. I won't lose my job. I can't lose my job.

So I may break my positive cycle of no SI tomorrow. If I do it's the smaller of a greater evil.

Today was my hub's pre-op visit for surgery on a tumor, or mass in his spinal column. I learned more then I wanted to. he will be in great pain for a few weeks and will be heavily medicated. We may not get biopsy results for 48 hours or more. He will be at least six weeks sitting, resting, not able to work. He may need P.T. and O.T. depending on neurological deficits. The surgeon will remove some bone and not replace it and probably not have to pin or rod it.

My 20 year old son called me yesterday complaining of an illness that I thought had been cured. It might be a trigger so i will leave it out but basically he p'd me off. Yelling at me and swearing and telling me he wasn't going to go to no f'in E.R. so he could wait for hours and not get the ultrasound etc. So, I made a dozen calls and fixed it for him to get right in at the E.R. and they would have info from his urologist here. He has an illness in his privates. Plumbing related. But I have to fix it? Or I have to take control of figuring it out? Then he tells me that he is going to find a place to move after I was there the third week in Feb and moved him with my money I don't have to a decent apartment. In fact part of that money, $900.00 is just being paid back to a friend today as my taxes came in.

Daughter wrecked her car, friend is getting a new transmission in another one for her. Out of my pocket as hubby has no disability insurance. Mine will be the only income. Oh boy! Daughter acts like a regular 17 year old and takes off today in my truck on my gas to her boyfriend's while I am gone with hubby.

I want to scream. My tummy wants to explode. So I am a druggy tonight and tomorrow. As much as I need. And I will take my tools with me in preparation for my needs. Think good thoughts for me okay? I feel like I am a hurdle jumper in the olympics, clear one and there is another.

Speaking of plumbing, I have to get the pipes to replace in the kitchen where I took the garbage disposal out. Already replaced pipes on other side. I am a plumber too.

and then there is HIS parents. They are coming up for the surgery and I am worried about dad's health as he is 80 with cardiac and diabetes issues. So today we tried to have a sense of humor. I told hubby that I would greet him in the recovery room with an alien mask on. I also told him that since he was afraid of flying I was going to make a tape of a flight attendent's safety talk and play it for him while he is stoned. Lot's of jokes about gummy worms in the ears and putting a sign on the wall by his bed that says: "oy vay do I have a pain in the neck?" I also thought about getting a butt shot for blackmail purposes. He says he wants us to laugh because what will be will be.