Hello! I'm writing here for the first time seeking information about the course of bipolar spectrum disease. I'll be posting a short version of my personal bipolar disease history and a few questions I've been posing to myself lately that I'd now like to pose to you. Your advice or positive thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II in May of 2001 while passing through a low point in my late adolescence yet the incidence of disorder-related symptoms has markedly dropped and I feel fine taking a relatively small dose of Lamictal (25 mg/dy) and a very infrequent dose of Zyprexa to help me sleep (2.5 mg). I had communicated symptoms of unipolar disorder to close family members before attending my first year of college, but wasn't taken seriously. The ensuing year at school and trouble was dramatic, yet not irreversible. I sought a diagnosis for my symptoms at a student psycholgical health center and was told that I probably just had a flu bug. I scored poorly on tests, had trouble studying, couldn't sleep, and had hot-cold flashes and eating problems. I also had social anxiety and growingly pessimistic perspectives about other people, family members, and myself. Regretfully, no medication has ever successfully removed these symptoms, just caused me to be so drowsy that I didn't really care about anything enough to worry, which helped a lot for a brief period. Afterwards, it caused me to sleep ridiculous amounts of time and even have problems remembering people's names and important dates. I just wanted to feel better, and tried anything I could. In the end, the best medicine was meditation, and changing the way I thought (my filters), and by embracing positive life changes and friendships (called life therapy, I think).

When I experienced my first major depression in college our family was going through a really rough patch following a particularly difficult divorce. My father became angry and frustrated with heavy financial trouble caused by the child support payments and his failure to reconcile with our mother, who viewed his behavior as sociopathic (narcissistic personality disorder) and wanted nothing more to do with him. She remarried a stable, loving, hard-working man a year later who helped raise us (with some difficulty and a lot of patience!). Meanwhile, the dual visitation created two very contrasting family environments that caused me a lot of stress at the time.

I have been giving the matter of bipolar disease a lot of thought this year. When I was originally diagnosed almost eight years ago my stress level was very high, and I had a lot of pessimistic ideas and self-perspectives/concepts that I currently attribute to surviving relatively short-lived childhood physical abuse and the post-traumatic afteraffects of living with an emotionally unstable parent. I am the first individual in our family's history who has ever received a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, ocpd, ptsd and rapid cycling. Having spent years out of that environment, and after it all worked out well in the end, I've found the symptoms to drop off so much that social interaction, relationships, travel, career development and education, and developing my diverse and long-lasting personal interests are very positive and enduring aspects of my daily life.

In contradiction, I can say that I did fit the description of a mentally-ill, depressed person about as long as I stayed in my parent's house, but when I moved away, went to school, supported myself and than moved to another country I met some wonderful people who helped me see things in a new way and well, I have truly never been happier. My happiness level feels like it increases in subtle ways regularly, for which I feel profoundly grateful. My emotions, if charted on a graph, would look (to me) like a steadily upward affective curve since I stabilized, but particularly in 2005-present, when I moved out and distanced myself from the family dyfunction while simaltaneously trying to be a positive, supportive force for my younger siblings.

Lately, my low point this year was a couple weeks where I felt tired a lot faster in October, which was my big culture shock month (just having moved in September). I haven't been manic, but I've been jittery and high energy, and suffer minor, irrational worries from time to time. In fact, I've never had a full-blown manic episode, mostly just some low-energy and attention span-problems that occur from time to time and constantly high creativity and emotional sensitivity. I haven't been able to establish a pattern. I have no idea what my cycle currently is, and I'm usually too busy to worry about it. The only other problems I have are some sleep disturbances, feeling a lot of energy (but not grandiose plans, more just...peace, happiness, gratitude, and hope) and a curiously voracious appetite combined with an inability to gain weight. I find a lot of comfort in exercise, meditation, prayer, Tai Chi, and focusing these activities on bettering my health. I find worrying to be a tiresome zero-sum activity; its an exhausting waste of time that lowers my happiness and immune system response, and makes other people around me edgy and tired. I'm thinking of looking into energy work, and I try to stay up to date on bipolar disorder breakthroughs to see if there's a new treatment option I should discuss with my doctor.

Well I think that just about covers it. Any help or advice/alternate perspectives would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!