|
Hello,
Ever since puberty I have had intense feminine feelings that have occupied nearly every thought for close to 27 years. Yes I am male. I am married with 3 children. Wife very unsympathetic and cold to this issue. I have internet addictions and do not have a personal PC. I became aware of my feelings and attractions to feminine clothing at 12 or 13. I tried hard to be the cool jock like my older brothers, I played football and wrestling, though I secretly longed to wear a prom gown. I regularly snuck into mom's lingerie , pantyhose, dress, and heels right up until I left home at 22. I had a roomate so I kept my stash of stolen lingerie secret until 25. I lived by myself then, and I started putting together a small wardrobe. I began to shave my body in the winter months and paint my toe nails pink. I wore panties all the time and pantyhose and bra beneath during the winter. I always slept in silk or satin lingerie with breast forms, wig, and perfume. I gave into sweet surrender and finally began to accept and explore my feminine feelings that I had been so ashamed of for soo long, the feelings that I tried so hard to bury and hide. Finally, I emersed myself into my feminine personna as Renee; for a complete week per month due to my schedule. As I delved deeper I began to experiment with cosmetics, wig styles, and I began to wear a maxi-pad in my panties or yes, even a tampon with I kept in my leather handbag with my Virginia Slims and make-up. In 1997 I began to hook-up with men through a singles mag. Just oral, no penetration. I met my wife in 2000 and she was ok at first with my dressing. After becoming pregnant she wanted no more of it. I struggled hard with my compulsions. I turned to the internet and began frequenting site about sissy maids and sissy brides. I started to shop for bridesmaid gowns and weding dresses along with breastforms and wigs. Things went downhill in our relationship. Short story, no more internet. So I tried really hard to go butch for a while and raise our child, then another child came along. Still wrestle with the same old feelings. I became depressed, heart problems, and turned into a workaholic rather than spent time with a person who only loves 1/3 of me. I'm soo sick of acting like a guy, sick of dressing like a guy, and I HATE all this damn body hair!!! I feel like a gorilla innerbread with a caveman. IM soooo sick of acting like what everybody else expects me to be. It's not me... I'm a liar.
So what do you think? Am I a freak loser or what? I'm so ashamed of myself, I hat my life, I love my kids to death and don;t want to bvring shame of embarrassment to them.
|