Once again, I have managed to let my disgust at my weight rule my day. I woke up depressed because I am fat. I didn't want to get in the shower because then I would have to look at my fat, didn't want to get dressed because then I would have to look at my fat. Just wanted to stay in bed and disappear. I swear to God I have not been overeating, I have not been comfort eating, I have not been restricting, I have not been eating fast food, I had a candybar for the first time in such a long time I can't remember. I haven't had pop in well over 3-4 months. I have to write this out so I can see how disgusting I am, but I really really felt like I was losing weight, in fact I lost 2 pounds last week. 185. Yesterday I stupidly got on the scale at work (because no one was around) and itsaiditsaidiitsaiditsaiditsaidIcantdoitIcantwriteitIneedto. Please don't judge me. 194. howisthatpossible? I had fruit and salad all week. I had no red meat at all. The worst thing I had was scalloped potatoes and cheese. I am considering doing one of those colon cleanse things--yes, I know, stay by the toilet. I know it's no better than abusing laxitives. How can I gain 9 pounds in one week? My portions are small--half a honey ham sandwich and an apple for dinner last night. Whenever I eat, I use a small plate to control my portions. I have a French Silk pie here at the house--I haven't even had any, which for me is amazing. I haven't comfort ate, but I'm about to. It's stupid. I'm upset about my weight so eat more. I really haven't even been hungry. My doctor increased my Cymbalta to 60 mg twice a day Wednesday and I haven't really been hungry, though I have no idea if it has anything to do with it at all. I haven't felt this low in a while. If any of you reading this have noticed in my posts recently, I really am doing better--the tears, they really can stop. Except today. Today I feel so down. I know, I give the same advice....."You're beautiful, you're kind, you...." "It doesn't matter your outside appearances, those change. You're not 20 or even 30 any more." I know all that, but 9 pounds in one week? I talk to my family doctor about it and he says stop putting crap in your mouth, do thyroid test, yep thyroid is off, take synthroid, oh that's too much, take less, oh that's not enough take more (I have hashimoto's thyroiditis and have basically given up). I talk to my t about it and he says not to focus so much on it, focus on why you feel this way (because it's disgusting!!). Exercise people say--find me time (I know, I could be doing it instead of writing on here, right?) I'm up at 6 (when I actually sleep), get kids up, leave for work at 7, get to work at 8:30, Monday's I leave work at 5, get home at 6, pick kids up for karate, sit and wait for her to be done until 9, home by 9:45. Friday is the same thing. Tuesday is the same except throw in leave at 3 to take other daughter to music lessons. Wednesdays I work from 8:30 a.m.-9:30 or 10:00 p.m. Thursday I work from 8:30-6. Saturdays 12-4 are taken up, Sundays 10-11:30, 2-5 are taken up. What little time I have I am exhausted and sore (RA and MD get the best of me some times). I know, I am rambling but I am so upset right now and disgusted with myself. All the hard work I've done to be positive about it (and I was, really I was) is gone. At least for today. Right now I just feel like I suck.