(((FireBird)))
It sounds like your mom loves you, and you really love your mom. She doesn't want to see your hurt, just like you don't want to see her cut herself.
Sometimes in a manic phase, our brains use symbols to express things. I sometimes think of it as the dream world and the waking world meeting. What is said is absolutely true, but not always in a literal sense.
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even though I HATE the hospital, that is where I would feel the safest. Maybe they can perform surgery the proper way to get the bomb out unless the surgeons won't know how to do that kind of operation. Speaking of surgery, the stressor that is bothering me is that my mom needs back surgery
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Is it possible that the idea you need surgery to remove the bomb in the neck (back) and the back surgery you mother needs to have are somehow related? If you look at it from the dream/waking world analogy -- one is a symbolic representation that feels absolutely real, and the other is a waking life representation.
I believe you have a brain, and you seem very intelligent. I also think that you know deep down what is best for *you*. I offer up the dream/waking analogy as a way to try to help you communicate...because sometimes people just don't get it. If it does not help, feel free to ignore it and just accept my support.
Right now you need to feel safe, and you want your mom to be safe. I know your mom would want you to take care of yourself. You do not need to cut yourself to go to the hospital -- you can walk in and ask for help with your words, instead of your actions.
I'm sorry you have to go through all this. My thoughts are with you and your mother. I hope the surgery goes well, and you can find some peace.
