I seldom drink, 3 times last year...1/2 of a beer each time. When I last saw Cameron, in May 2007, I was quite drunk because it was a surprise birthday party put on for me by my sisters, and everyone kept getting me shots. Before that, I would have a few beers about every other month with Cameron's brother. The last 18 years...I don't and can't drink like I used to. I ended my "party days" early on in my marriage...My wife's parents were alchohlics, and they fought a lot, got divorced...My parents DID NOT drink. I saw my dad have a beer once at a family get together. His father was an alchollic and beat my dad and grandma. My mother's father and stepmother were also alcholics. So, I do understand the dangers, and had taken action. Our daughters are 15 and 13, and I don't think they have ever seen us drinking, or even under the influence. I just wanted to clarify the drinking thing, I was a drunk from 1983 to 1987...My dark years after my father had passed away, but I wised up and put it behind me. I did have fun, for the most part, I was just a happy drunk, or just a very depressed drunk. Very rarely was I a violent drunk, and I was aware of the damage that I could do in that state of mind.

I must say, that all of you are helping me see things a little clearer. I have tried to talk to my wife in the past, about Cameron, but I am always scared of hurting her...I do LOVE her. I had seen the hurt in my wife's eyes when she thought that I was having an affair with the neighbor lady. No affair, we were just spending too much time together, outside, watching her children and my children...I suppose the whole neighborhood thought that we were having an affair. And, here I must add, that since we (my wife and I) started going out together and to this day, I have been faithful. I am trying to do everything right in life and marriage, but this Cameron stuff messes with my head...

I do have things around the house that my wife knows of that are to do with Cameron, things that I can not get rid of...I have a book of nearly 300 poems that I had bound up, and many of the poems are of Cameron. Also, there are drawings that I had made of Cameron that stay rolled up and put away, except for a couple of times my daughters wanted to see my drawings. I say that I can not get rid of them because they are from my creative years, unfortunately, the Cameron years. Both of my daughters are very good artists and writers, and I keep the stuff for them so they can see what their pa could do. My parents and my wife's parents were also artistically creative, and I keep some of there work for future generations. My daughters haven't read the book of poems, although over the last year or so, they have wanted to read it. They know of Cameron, but not as my wife does, because of the drawings that I have done (clean drawings). My wife calls Cameron "big-nose", and the kids get a kick out of it.

This is making me feel better about my marriage...and life, thanks. I am feeling that maybe I just needed someone to talk to since I am away from my family and friends (except for my mom, and she's off at the casino a lot). I do feel life slipping away faster every year, but that's just part of getting older. I still feel the need though, to talk to Cameron, to at least put an end to the past and get on with the future. When Cameron told me that "it" we could never be, that should have been enough, right? In some ways, as I think about this, maybe I have stupidly considered it a challenge from her for me to prove her wrong, in some butt-backwards logic.

Thanks again

P.S. Good news...I still have an unsent letter. )