Thanks, everybody, for your replies.

Earthmama
You helped me realize that relationships can be at different levels, and perhaps I've been to restrictive in classifying a relationship as only those that are soul-deep.

Miss Charlotte,
I agree with you, that what is prompting this is probably some unresolved attachment issues. . .that longing for the sort of connection I never had. Thank you for making me feel that what I want with t is not bad or wrong.

Sannah,
You hit the nail on the head by mentioning protection. I've made so many bad choices in the past about who to trust, and now, I don't trust my intuitions about who is trustworthy and safe to expose my vulnerable side to. What happened with my last close friend has really damaged my trust, and made it nearly impossible to trust t or anyone else since then. I should write about what happened with my friend in a different thread, as that it a whole different story. But it is so tied in with the subject of attachment, trust, and abandonment.

Lenny,
I think that I do often feel unique -- not in the sense of being special or better, no far from that -- but in the way that I feel my emotions. For years, I thought that everybody felt their feelings as strongly as I do. But I have learned that most of them do not. I think I learned early on as a child to keep my thoughts and emotions to myself because my mom would always minimize them ("There's nothing to worry about") and my dad would criticize them ("That's a stupid way to feel.") And even as an adult, I witness others saying and doing things that to me seem cruel and unfeeling (making fun of handicapped people, gossipping meanly). And many of them do not like to talk about deep stuff and like their friendships casual, not really wanting to talk about anything deep or get to know the "inside person. My husband says that most other people are not like I am and that I could go a lifetime trying to find the kind of relationship I want with others. I also took the Myers-Briggs personality test, which said I'm an INFJ, the rarest personality type (only 1% of people are in that category). So, yes, I DO feel different. It makes me sad because in some ways I feel isolated, thinking that nobody will really ever know who I am, and vice versa. I want to feel connected to the human race and I really like people. But lately, it's the ways that I am "different" that stand out to me.

Also, I do admit that self-hate plays into my isolation. There is a feeling that deep down, I am a bad person who needs to hide my truest self. . .even though when I try to figure out why I am bad, I can't think of any reason. But it's just something that I feel. And I am afraid that if people really knew me, they would not like me. I'm afraid they only like the surface me.