to everyone of you for your support.
I just dont know...Sannah control? What control? I haven't had control all along...I mean I have known that really for some time..If blacking out when anger or fear arises is control then yes maybe? Or just using other means of self punishment then YES I am afraid of losing that..Thing is I used to say "oh well I must of had too much to drink (even if it was a beer or two) but it was an excuse." So  Not sure on what control if ever I have had in my own life. I have had the control of hiding within myself so that control seems to have been giving over a long time ago!
wanttoheal
i know when t said to me saturday that i needed to getting some form of post it notes and start making myself out sorta speak and getting to know myself (slowly) i felt this all over panic increase. I keep waiting for the "joke" to be over..Or for her to say oh we messed up you actually have some other "issue" something!! When she looked at me and I could feel my body my own being sorta speak sinking further away I felt paralyzed within my own self? I am so scared. I told her and my dr. when the DID dx came about three years ago this wasn't like now. Of course I pushed it all way away and wouldn't allow any further treatment on that issues and just worked around other skills to deal with SI skills and SU issues what not and decided not to deal with past trauma on the advice of and idiot head pdoc and the hospital that I was put in..I was there for DID too!!! He was not skilled in that area but I had no idea what to do or whom to look for or anything I was Green Knew to everything you knwo? The PDOC that sent me there was retiring and she knew she couldn't take me on as a patient...SHe was so great and got me further help else were...Anyway's point is it took me a while to get where I am now...Sorry lost train of thought, but so DID wasn't that huge for me I jsut decided to ignore what little bit bothered me and push it all away and do as the stupid PDOC said put it away move on with my life and it would go away!!!
Ugg sorry this is so freaking long, anyway's now that my wonderful T looked at me there sits in here so much so many that have not talked or said anything to me faces that run by with what memories I don't know? I am so scared and frightened...I had no idea what people went thru and yes everyone is differnt in there experiences...As a mother, wife etc too I live a "normal" life so i am very careful to try and watch time all the time lol and it's so stressful as YOU all know...I will end this all...I have so much more to explain just no words to explain it...I really wish a this point i wasnt here anymore!!!
ThaCrew
thank you if you get this sorry that its so long to get to this part but  back
MC
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I keep running but the past is still following!
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