Thank you all for your responses. It has made me feel more relaxed about it.
There is more behind it in the sense that even at that young age I knew about rape as my mom was sexually abused by her father and I found out about this at an extremely young age (I don't remember a point at which I didn't know.) In my family there was definitely the idea that anything sexual was wrong and bad. Sex along with my mom's psychiatric hospitalizations was just something we knew we weren't allowed to talk about. I always saw it as something that was bad as it had hurt my mom.
I was sexually assaulted in high school (and didn't tell my parents till my third year in college) and lately the feelings of shame have been bad.
I'm in my mid twenties and started having sexual feelings again and am now in my mid twenties. Every time that happens I feel ashamed about it feeling good.
Whenever I ran across the questions in depression questionnaires about libido they always seemed ridicules as I have never had one to go away. I hate being touched. I have had to go on a few flights recently and ever time I end up have to be patted down when I go thorough screening. It just ends up reminding me of how uncomfortable I am with all this and how it seems like I'm always going to be uncomfortable with being touched.
Thanks for the hugs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by multipixie9
our bodies are innately sexual; we were made this way. however, the book you discovered was inappropriate information for your age and stage. it pushed you farther than you would have gone in just the actions of a small child, even a small child who was playing "doctor" with a friend.
the distress and guilt you feel are enough to make me ask you, is there more to your story than this? were there other experiences before this time, sexually, that increased your awareness or interest in sex.
when i was 3 years old, at the most 4, i acted out some sexual behavior with my little friend and when i looked up and saw that we were being observed a jolt of fear and shame hit me like a lightening bolt. i was being and had been sexually abused since infancy and so i had a precocious knowlege and experience of sex with a twist to it that i never should have had. as a small child i was not responsible or guilty but those who gave me premature information and experience were responsible and wrong.
i would encourage you to talk to someone you are certain you can trust to see about help to work this guilt out in a healthy way. if you all had had better supervision and direction in your play you may have never had enough time and aloneness to get into so much sexual behavior. you were just two little girls with curiosity and time on your hands. i would urge you to let go of the guilt or see if you can find some help to work it out until you can let it go. hugs,
leslie and the pixie chicks
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