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First off let me just say I am sorry if what I said about the pills offended. Sabby made an edit but I just wanted to apologize if you guys read it before she did that. I acted on emotion and didn’t think about what I was typing.
Next; thank you to all of you who care. Thanks for the hugs love prayers and support.
Manda pants: a brunette and a blonde with an inseparable bond, right? =) I love you.
Corky you’re precious.
Now, in all seriousness I just don’t know what to do you guys. I’m just feeling so stuck, so helpless, and so alone. Perhaps that sounds dumb when I am supposed to see I have all ya all who care but when in the situation of the moment it’s hard to see that. It’s hard to see past the hurt. My step dad still lives with us because I never told anyone. Well, Mandy knows but that doesn’t count because I didn’t tell her, she figured it out on her own. However, no adults or authority type people ever found out because I didn’t ever feel like I could tell and I still don’t. It isn’t worth it. Therefore I see him every day and I’m just SO ANGRY. I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t like being angry but I am and I can’t control it. I guess I’m a horrible Christian. I thought I was dealing with it okay. And I still think I am. But I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. I know it could always be worse though.
My mom relearned of my cutting. She first found out when I was 14 and thought I was over it a week later. I never stopped and now I’m 17 and have over 50 scars. I actually wrote HOPE in my inner right leg today. It stings a little now. My mom has never seen my scars though. I would never show her them. They are mine. The only thing I have to myself. I sort of like my scars sometimes. Anyway my mom's reaction was the same as years ago. She took my cell phone, my lap top, and grounded me. As usual she told me how embarrassing I am and that she’s sick of my attention seeking behavior. She also told me that I am too immature to go off to college in the fall. HELL NO! Because the thought of getting out and away was what was keeping me going. What I was pushing for. I don’t take all honors and AP classes to be denied a college education. That’s not fair. Cutting has nothing to do with maturity level and everything to do with what her mistakes have caused me to go through. I need to go to college.
I’m just so sick of her bringing it up and rubbing it in my face every chance she gets. She’s obviously not that concerned with what I do or thinks it’s a joke because yelling? Honestly? Saying I can’t be trusted with a computer or phone yet everything else is okay. What the **** is she thinking? My mom is a therapist but she obviously isn’t a very good one when she can’t even tell her own daughter is suicidal or has been sexually abused. Are my subtle hints not enough? Am I not enough?
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