I don't know what's wrong today. I started writing and remembering things from 20 years ago, remembering when I first started feeling controlled by this guy.

I don't know which came first, depression or abuse. Even if the depression did (which I suspect it did since I've always had low self esteem), was that an excuse for the abuse to start? I want to tell myself that everything IS my fault, that if I'd just listened to him we'd be a happy family, rich and retired by now (at 43 and 44 years old), living off Amway bonuses. I'm telling myself that it's all my fault, I brought on the abuse with my low moods and dish smashing.

I want to call him up and say "YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU WERE ALWAYS RIGHT. I was sleeping with every guy you thought I was and probably more. You're right. I deliberately sabotaged every get-rich-quick scheme you attempted by not supporting you. You're right. You rescued me from a life in a mental ward. You're right. If I'd just listened to you and smiled and pretended to be happy, I would BE happy. You're right. If I'd watched those porn videos you started bringing home, I'd be turned on nonstop and giving you delirious, several-times-daily blow jobs beyond your wildest imagination."

I know it's wrong to take all the blame, but shouldn't I take some responsibility for the abuse? Shouldn't I be saying if I wasn't depressed he wouldn't have had a reason to start putting me down, calling me crazy?