thank you SO MUCH for making me lol. you're brilliant, P7, you really are.

simcha - i love the new av changes you are going through. but try to slow them down a little ok so i can keep up?

here is the latest:

pdoc didn't call. this is ok because i stopped expecting him to.
i had decided that i would call him tomorrow if i hadn't heard from him, but now i am reconsidering. i think i must be making people really tired of me and they don't want to work with me or help me anymore or care about me or whatever. everyone is better off without deli in their lives. this started off with T last month, when he didnt care when i terminated. then the acute care team said i was faking sui thoughts to be manipulative. i told two of my friends about the thoughts, because i was becoming desperate - and one of them told me that if i really felt that way, i would just do it. the other one - i sent her a long email asking for help, and she didn't respond. i was prepared to believe she was on holidays and hadnt checked emails, but the next time she saw me she said she had read it, just not bothered to reply. i feel pretty worthless. it's like... i've always had my 2 friends, and my T and my pdoc to rely upon, and even the crisis team when things got really desperate. but in the space of 4 weeks i have managed to drive 4 of those 5 avenues of support away.

so i think i must be doing something wrong. maybe i am asking for or demanding too much. maybe no one thinks i'm worth the effort. maybe everyone is just busier with other things and it has nothing to do with me. but whatever - pdoc is the only person who is still on side (and this is only because i haven't confirmed with him yet whether he hates me still) and so i think it's better for me to not call him, and at least think he is still ok with me, than it is for me to call him and maybe drive him away also.

if you had asked me 6 weeks ago whether all of those ppl i had tried to get help from would have cared - i would have said yes, absolutely. so i'm starting to doubt my trust in pdoc, because if everyone else can desert me, then i haven't been very discriminating in whom to rely upon.

so my family goes away next week, and i'll be alone at home for 10 days. this will be nice, because i told work i was going away also, so now they won't expect me either. maybe if pdoc calls during that time i will see him, otherwise it'll be ok.