But nope. Yet again, I'm planning to starve. Normally, I start on a Monday, but the panic of getting fat just gripped me today. So, this was after breakfast so I've eaten breakfast. I'm not eating for the rest of the day, because I'm not hungry and I don't want to get fat. So, tomorrow is day one of the starve again.

I'm seeing someone from SWEDA on 6th Feb, which is next Friday. it means I'll have to miss college I really don't want to go, but I just feel that it's the only way that anyone will get off my back and think I do want to get better..

I mean, of course I don't want to put myself through all the pain and such, but right now, i just don't care at all. This week I'll be surviving on one energy drink a day, the rest of my drinks being water. Next week, it's nothing but water that I'll be drinking. nothing else will be passing my lips. I'm even tempted to stop taking my meds because I'm scared that they're making me fat I know it's a really bad idea, but they're not doing much for me anyway, so what difference would it make?

The smell and sight of food, once again, makes me wnat to throw up. I've been like this before, when this starving first started. I don't see it as an eating disorder. it's not an eating disorder to me, it's something to make my life better, make me happier, more confident, love myself more. I'm fed up of feeling fat all of the time, even if people do say I'm losing weight, I don't believe them.

Just a stone or two and I'll be happy. Just getting down to size 8 trousers and I'll be overjoyed. that's all I want. To be happy for once. And this time, I'm telling nobody but you on here who read it. Nobody will know, because that way nobody can make me eat. I hate being unhappy with myself constantly.

I need to be thin. It's my lifelong wish and now, I will be fulfilling it, she keeps telling me. She says she'll make my life so much better, that the pang of hunger is the pang of happiness i will feel when i lose that stone or two. The feeling of weakness shows I'm doing well. I can't wait.

I have to sort out my exercise programme with Dom, too. Then I can start going to the gym with Emily. If I start to feel faint, I don't care, I'll just chuck some water down my throat and get on with it. Not even Emily will know of my plan, otherwise she'll either stop me from going to the gym herself, (or at least try to stop me) or tell Dom, who will take me aside and also stop me, he'll not let me go back unless he sees me eat something, I can predict that somehow. Or he'll get Jason or Abi onto me about it, try and get them to get me to eat. Nuh-uh. I am NOT going through that again.

I've had enough of feeling guilty for eating. Had enough of, when I eat, not feeling that good, 'I'm filling my stomach up with food and it's good' feeling, but feeling like 'I'm getting fatter, I can feel it as the food sinks into my stomach' and just wanting to purge every time I eat.

If Connro invites me over, i'll find an excuse not to go. Oh s**t! Karima's coming over this weekend! I'll figure out a way to not eat. I'll say something like "I don't like eating around people." because that's a true statement, i hate eating in front of people because I think they're sat there saying to themselves 'ugh. Look at her. Making herself fatter and fatter by eating' or thinking; 'she's not eating quickly enough, she's obviously notbeen eating properly' or 'she hasn't finished/touched her dinner. There's something fishy going on here.' I don't know. I just don't like people seeing me eat because I feel like they're watching me, making sure I'm not hiding my food, making sure I swallow every last morsel.

Not anymore. I need this. I need her.