So at first, I`m sorry if this is the wrong place to post, but as I don`t really know where I fit in illness-wise I thought I`ll post in general mental health. Then, I`m also sorry for my English. It`s not my mother tongue so please don`t mind my mistakes.
This might get long but I hope someone reads it till the end.
I am 15 years old now, in case this matters. I always used to be " strage", yet I always accepted myself 100%. I always believed what I thought and so I never thought anything could be wrong with me..well until I started doing some research. Since finding out more about dofferent mental health issues I`m getting more and more confused day by day and question if what I believed to be true/ real in the past really was. I usually don`t trust people but I just have to talk about it and noone around me seems to listen, so I thought maybe on the internet it`s more " secure". When I was young ( like very young, 3-4 years old) it probably started, sadly I don`t remember a lot, just that my parents couldn`t handle the situation and my mum used to beat me at times, scream at me lpck me into my room etc, because it was too much for her. She even thought I wanted to kill her and told me this. So I was scared but still thinking I was right. The reason they were not bale to handle me they say was because I acted strange was always angry screaming etc. O have to admit as far as I can remember, I was. But not because I was against them as they say, but because of different reasons, I always was way too afraid of normal things ( this still happens today, a few weeks ago I wasa so afraid of a bottle of glue ( because its artificial and chemical and toxic and might kill me if I touch it I could die..weird thoughts..) I didn`t want to touch my mobile phone lying next to it so i took a piece of paper but the phone in and went to wash the phone with water and soap ( I know that this should not be done, of course) then still didn`t touch it for 5 days and my parents got nuts about it, but it`s already better than when i was little) like there was a anti-insect spray on a shelf in my room and every night i saw the skull-sign like becoming " alive" and i was frightened, I couldn`t sleep kept screaming and crying etc. this is only an example, it happened a lot, my parents thought i didn`t want to sleep and got angry which made my fear only bigegr, i started getting afraid of them as well. Also as a child i was very often thinking i had a deadly desease with feeling the symtoms which weren`t there. Sometimes dad even drove to the hospital with me in the middle of the night to make the doctors tell me I`m fine, but this didn`t help. And when i was younger i had a very lively fantasy ( at least now i think so, i doubt i always could tell reality from unreality t that time) I could spend hours playing alone, imagining I was somewhere else and someone else, but it think this is normal for children, yet soemtimes I thought really weird things like I can remember we were going for a walk ( grandma, my sister and I) and i was saying " look, there`s the children`s wonde rland we`re going there" then returning telling everyone how great it was etc. Now, years later i walked there again, there`s nothing, maybe a supermarket the next village. But okay all those things were more or less gone by the age of 9/ 10 so I didn`t care about it anymore, family life has also become betetr again. But at school I was very much hated by all classmates. I couldn`t handle it, I started getting more and more quiet and afraid of people, I always had problems with other humans but this is going further still today, I don`t dare to speak in rooms with many people, to older people, people i don`t know etc. I get nervous and start to panic when I have to say something at school and i didn`t raise my hand in lessons for years, something inside of me says no don`t do it..and I just can`t speak then. So at the moment, thsi social fear is ym biggest problem because it affects my whole life everyday all day long and as I said I think it started when I was bullied at school. Even though i`m in a different class now it still doesnt dissapear, I`m afraid it`ll stay forever. Another problem that I still hve and probably always had but now luckily control since I know something called paranoia exists is that I sometimes in the past had episodes where I thought someone wanted to kill me ( most of times my mom, so I stopped eating her food telling I wasnt hungry etc.) or poision me/ give me medicine ( my classmates, I always watched if they came near my water bottle etc.) I also had the thoughts that my mum could put something in my shampoo bottle because she wanted me to look ugly or hide my real ethncity, the fact i was only adopted ( to make it clear, i wasnt!! I just thought and imagines she wasn`t my real mother, but I believed it. I was even writing songs for my " real mother" ) by putting hair dye etc in it . So of course now I think it could have been liek this as well when i was even younger and that was why i hated her, so she was right and I was wrong, ym reality was wrong.. and the people who wanted to put me into a mental hospital when i was young were right too..strangely my parents were against it.
Talking about reality, for years now I`ve been having the feeling all this her eis not real, sometimes the feeling was more sometimes less intense. I feel like this is all unreal and I don`t belong here. I used to think maybe moving to another country without " all these people" would help solving the problem but meanwhile I doubt this. I just want to really enjoy soemthing, but I can`t. I feel so out of place at times. Sometimes I even thought if i`d kill myself now, i might end up where i really belong in my next life..but I would never really kill myself, I guess.
So, as I started researching about mental disorders, I watch myself and my thought a lot more and the " bad/ weird" moments become rarer, but I also get more and more confused becasue I feel liek a have/ had a little bit of many different illnesses?!
I totally don`t trust psychologists/ psychatrists etc so I`d never go to one, I think they only want o take away our free thought and our lifequality by giving us drugs. That`s why I never told a specialist about it. I want to know what exactly is wrog with me though, because I can t take this anymore, whenever I remember my past life I question what was real and what wasn`t and how our family would have been if I would`ve been normal..
So thanks for reading all of this, I know it`s enormously long . It`s my whole lifestory, there`s nothing I didn`t write.
I hope soemone can help me,
Thanks a lot in advance,
ChandKiRani