I know, I know, lots of people have asked how MY room is Connor's business..

I know.. Laura said today, when I went to see her that all people use their bf's gf's flaws to hurt them in an argument, to win the argument, to really put a punchline on their point. Make You Listen Grab your attention. Which, is fair enough.. He apologised today for being such a tw*t. He knows he hurt me and I told him that. i couldn't hold back. He's done the whole "I love You" in a harsh tone thing, and yes, it works.. It makes me realise taht I'm sying things in a harsh tone and such. Of course my room being a mess angers him because he knows that my room being a mess depresses me, but tidying my room doesn't lift my mood, just frustrates me when i can't do something.. *sigh*

Sorry, I'm in an awful state right now.. i could do with hearing a friendly voice and just blubbing down the phone, or to someone's face. I really could

He knew he would catch my attention by what he said, but he also knew that it'd make me extremely upset and angry. He didn't think about that until I was screaming and pulling my hair, punching my bed, then myself.. He told me to calm down, but how could I when he'd touched a really sore spot?!!

He's lucky I didn't slap him. He's lucky I can't hit people.. When he punched my wall, I almost punched him, I had that much anger, but I just grabbed him and pulled him away. He sobbed, I stared at him defiantly, forcing myself not to cry.. Like I used to, back when i was with The Adoptive "Family", if a tear ran down my face, I'd wipe it away, viciously, scraping my face with what nails I have left after biting them. I did the same this time, I slapped my hand to my face and I tore the tears away, making my face red raw. I didn't care. I felt pathetic, I looked at him sobbing and thought "look at you. I haven't been nasty one bit. yes I've screamed and shouted but that's because you've screamed and shouted.. And you're crying, but I'm not." I was so angry, I was sick, but gulped it down to save dirtying my room anymore. Wouldn't want to upset him anymore now, would I?

He won't get help. I told him that HE makes ME do all the hard work, getting a new therapist, sortinmg out MY anger issues, sorting out MY "f*cked up head" (yes, he;s said that before), talking to people about MY issues, Me going out of My way to say sorry to HIM. He won't get help because "they all say to break up with you because you're the one causing my anger, causing my depression" and all that bulls**t. Huh. That's because he only tells his side of the story.. I don't say anything, I don't tell my counsellor about the argument. Or if I do, I tell it from HIS point of view, I don't defend myself, I tell them I shouted and screamed, but that was because he said such NASTY, conniving, hurtful things and took an anrgy tone with me. I tell them how he says "taking a calm, collected tone with you and just saying tidy your room, doesn't work. I've tried it before."

I told Connor that, had he been calm with me about the self harm for longer, I'd have stopped by now.. For the 8 months or so that I did stop, he was fine, but as soon as I started again, he started to get angry.. I wasn't used to it.. It didn't help, so I'd cut again, so he'd get angry, I'd cut again and so on.. he doesn't believe it would've stopped me had he carried on being calm about it, and I don't believe there'e any way I'll prove it to him unless he does try to be calm about it.

He's f*cking lucky I didn't take the pills that night. I was so, so *******ed close to it. Too close i had my tools to cut horrifically badly, I had the pills to take, I had the alcohol in the room to cause more damage. I could have ended it there and then. But did I? NO! Because I KNEW that he would just say "oh for *****'s sake, stupid cow. What'd she go and do that for? She's f*cked up MY life even more now". and because I knew that I would sort it out, some way, somehow. I got through it. Does he notice? No. I didn't even mention the fact that I could've done it but didn't, to him, because I knew he'd just say, sarcastically "Oh well done you."
Did he say anything about the fact that my room was Clean AND Tidy today? No. He just says "are you happy with your kicthen?" I said "eh? What about it? The fact that it's CLEAN? That I Cleaned It??!!" "yeah, the fact that it's clean." I just shrugged my shoulders and said; "meh, Spose" pissed off that he didn't even acknowledge the fact that I'd done it for HIS benefit, to make HIM happy, to prove HIM wrong, prove ME right, that I could do it if I CHOSE TO. The only thing that would have made me happy would have been if he'd have said "Wow, your kitchen looks great. I'm so glad you clenaed it up. You did a good job of it." Or something like that, you know? It'd just be nice that, despite being in agony because of my effing IBS, i still dragged myself out of bed and reluctantly cleaned up ready for him to come over.

Pff. I hate this, I really do. And now I have people using and abusing me, yet AGAIN!
Yeah it may only be shampoo.. But still.. Charlene was on msn to me earlier and I asked what she was up to, she said "I just had a bath and I'm on the computers now.. Oh.. And by the way, I used some of your shampoo.." I asked her.. "Why did you use MY shampoo?" "oh..uh.. I couldn't find mine" Pff more like she couldn't be f*cked to even look for it!!! So i said "well.. You could have at least asked me first." she said "soz" in such an unmeaningful way, I carried on saying "I don't appreciate people just taking my stuff and using it." Then she said sorry more sincerely and said she'd ask next time. I admit, i'd left it in her room, but that's no invitation to just use it.. Normally, I'd have felt guilty even thinking of saying that, but I'm fed up of people just thinking "ahhh ***** her, she doesn't care. I'll just use her stuff. I'll just ask her for her money and not pay her back, make up excuses not to pay her. I'll keep asking her to buy me food, when she can barely even afford her own.." I'm sick an tired of it.

I feel like.. like no-one likes me for ME. That they'll only like me if I buy stuff for them, that they'll hate me if I don't. Well now, I just say to myself "***** them! If they don't like me because I'm looking after ME for once, that's their problem, not mine!" So, I'm putting my foot down. I've had enough. I'm speaking how I feel now and if I want to cry, I'll cry. I'll shout, I'll moan, I'll cry out when someone hurts me and make a fuss if it's in class. I'll be ME. I'll get friends myself, by being myself. I don't need people who hate me because they ain't me!

*sigh* I'm in quite an angry and solemn mood.. If you read my last post in my thread in survivors of abuse, you'll see why..

I'm still looking for a T, P7. It's long, slow process.. I'm finishing my sessions with the useless, nasty, perverted Alec, breaking free from everyone that's hurting me, and taking care of me. I don't need people to hurt me anymore. I've suffered enough.